Steamboat Marketing Working, City Truly Becoming Wild, Wild West

Written by Dusty Bottoms Thursday, 14 June 2012

Recent criminal events in Steamboat Springs have left the city and ski resort's marketing teams, responsible for the area's renowned "Western Theme," openly satisfied with the results of their branding.Steamboat Springs' various marketing departments and police officials are very proud that the town has truly embraced the Western theme, including shootouts, gambling and armed robbery. They also noted that the city has a train, and if anyone would like to rob it, that would be cool, although it's mostly filled with coal that could be difficult to sell on the black market.

"There's no question our marketing has worked," said Lili Von Shtupp, head of Steamboat marketing. "We've got robbery at gunpoint, shootings at saloons, alcohol-fueled horseback rides through bars and markets, cows in the streets, and maybe even a casino opening up. You can't walk around town anymore, which should be done very, very carefully these days, without feeling like you're at the OK Corral. It's a true Western Town now--circa 1849, of course. Shoot, we've even got someone named very similarly to Billy The Kid as our chief spokesperson."

Unfortunately, not everyone in town is so enthusiastic to returning to Pioneer Days and ways.

"I know we're supposed to be this skiing cow town, or whatever," noted longtime local Hedley Lamarr. "But this is ridiculous. What's next? Gun duels at high noon? 'Wanted Dead or Alive' signs at the post office? Whorehouses on Lincoln? Actually ... I'd be OK with the whorehouses. The dating scene here sucks."

But according to local law enforcement and some political representatives, these latest crime sprees are just what Steamboat Springs needs: a return to "traditional values."

"As you can see from my facial hair, this handsome throwback to earlier, better times, I'm a big supporter of returning to the mid-19th century," stated Republican Colorado House Representative Dandy Longgarter. "This fits in with many of my party's philosophies, which are mainly to do away with the last 150 years or so. So I'd say we're right on track."

Steamboat's Sheriff Starrett Bigguns concurred. "These are very exciting times for the Sheriff's Department," he noted. "I've been practicing busting through saloon doors and firing on evil-doers and pot smokers for some time, and it looks like I'm finally going to be able to put all of that practice to good use. Plus, my mustachio, much like Dandy's, is perfect for this Western shootout theme."

The Sheriff's department recommends that citizens of Steamboat shutter their doors and stay inside at all times, especially the womenfolk. He noted that the "rough and tumble" men of his department will be ambling through town, keeping the peace with their trusted Colt 45's, carrying a half-filled brown bottle of whiskey in the other hand, smoking those cool-looking little cigars that Clint did in many of his movies. And for the foreseeable future, all police vehicles will be traded in for horses, until the dust has settled.

"It's 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly' around here right now, and I get to play one of the starring roles," finished Bigguns. "It's beyond my wildest dreams. God bless our marketing department! Yeee hawwww!!!!"