Three Men and an Olympian Group Hope to Open Roman Coliseum, Orgyhouse near Hayden Airport

Written by Phatt Chanze Wednesday, 08 August 2012

A collection of Yampa Valley investors and real estate developers announced plans to build an ambitious and unprecedented project on land hear the Hayden airport: a Roman-style Coliseum and Orgyhouse. To help sell the project, the group hopes to recruit a Steamboat Olympian to add to the team, although that aspect, like the entire project itself, hasn't been fully developed.Three Men and an Olympian Group paid a local artist a hefty sum to create this rendering of what the proposed Coliseum and Orgyhouse would look like, should the group perform a miracle and get all the approval they need.

"Because we don't actually have an Olympian onboard yet, we settled on the name of Three Men and an Olympian, just to let the public know that, at some point, we will have an Olympian on our side," said Hayden developer Haagen Daas, one of the Three Men in the title. "We've been in contact with several ski jumpers, some bumpers and one aspiring basket weaver, should that ever become an Olympic sport, but no takers so far. We're also looking into some 16-year-old girl who should make the Olympics, if we can convince her parents that being the spokesperson for a Roman Coliseum and Orgyhouse is the right move for a 16-year-old girl."

Currently, the plan is purely speculative, as the developing group still needs to cross several legal and business hurdles. Three Men and an Olympian have a project checklist that currently numbers 17 specific requirements they'd need to create the Coliseum and Orgyhouse, of which they've accomplished zero.

"There's a lot we still need to do," admitted Daas. "But most of those things should be easy to acquire, like purchase a ton of land for super cheap, get an American Indian tribe to put their reputation and innate gaming management skills to use, get several towns to buy into a morally corrupt entertainment service, enact the legalization of gladiators fighting to the death, legalize prostitution in Routt County, get the Governor and President Obama to sign off on it, and lure Wayne Newton away from Las Vegas with a promise of free food from the Thru-Way Bar. But we're confident we can get these things, and about a dozen more near-impossibilities done, because we will have an Olympian on our team, at some point.

"We do have an awesome artist's rendering of what the Coliseum and Orgyhouse would look like, and it's awesome!" added Daas. "And we paid someone to say a Coliseum and Orgyhouse will bring a shitload of money to all the surrounding communities, so we're pretty much on track to start developing in three months."

The developers held a special meeting to introduce the project, which was held at the Hayden Fairytale Grounds. However, the crowd that was gathered promptly left to boos and disappointment when it was announced that there was no actual Olympian at the meeting.

"They said there'd be someone from the 'Lypmics," noted Thru-Way Bar resident Lou Informationvoter. "I ain't takin' nothin' seriously from them 'til they have a 'Lympian telling me how cool it would be. I assumed these clowns knew that fact. I assumed wrong."

The Group then promised a new, upcoming meeting, at which point they would unveil their sought-after Olympian, and thereby guarantee the support from the surrounding populace, which is what Olympians do.