Council Considers Turning Iron Horse into Medical SexCare Facility

Written by John Inthejohn Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Seeking to find a money-making solution for the beleaguered Iron Horse Inn, Steamboat Springs City Council is debating the idea of turning the city-owned hotel into a "Medical SexCare Facility."Steamboat Springs City Council is considering novel ways to turn the debt-laden Iron Horse Inn into a profitable venture. An artist's rendering shows the proposed "Medical SexCare Facility" envisioned by some council members.

"We looked at various successful business models in Steamboat, and the Medical Marijuana sector kept jumping out at us," said Devin Komuniski, a member of City Council in favor of the plan. "In just a few years, those entrepreneurs turned something that previously was illegal into a very profitable and generally well-perceived business. Why not do that with sex?"

Several council members noted that the Iron Horse already has the existing infrastructure needed for a Medical SexCare Facility, including many private rooms with beds, staff to regularly clean the sheets and even showers for those delivering the Medical SexCare services.

"We don't like to use the term 'prostitutes,'" explained Komuniski. "We prefer the term Medical SexCare Provider, which is something else we stole from the pot people."

Those in favor of the proposed plan noted that sexual intercourse has been found in many studies to provide a variety of health benefits, including lower stress levels, greater self-confidence and sometimes the only form of exercise some people willingly engage in.

"Plus, sometimes people just need to get laid to keep from acting like an asshole or a bitch," added City Council member Scari Helmetheadski.

Under the plan, both male and female SexCare Providers would be employed at the Iron Horse, and all of the transactions would be taxed considerably, brining another revenue stream into the city's coffers.

"We basically took the Medical Marijuana system, and replaced the word 'marijauna' with 'sex,'" added Kart Beforehorseski, another council member and proponent of the plan. "The Iron Horse becomes profitable, we have a boom in employment and tourism, and there are a lot of taxes coming in. Shoot, we wouldn't even need to replace the dingy old mattresses in there. What's not to love about this? This is truly taking a lemon and making lemonade at its highest form."

Those critical of the plan noted that prostitution is illegal in Colorado, but that argument was quickly countered.

"Marijuana wasn't legal, and we found a way around that," noted Beforehorseski. "Gambling isn't legal in most places, and certain entities are working hard to change that, so why can't we have SexCare Providers, especially if it's for medicinal purposes. Perhaps there's a list of conditions you need to have to get a Medical SexCare card, like being especially hormonal or too ugly to get laid via conventional means."