Friends of Chief, the Dog, Concerned because New Owners Have No Idea What to Do with a Dog

Written by Winnie Willitbeready Monday, 10 December 2012

Late last Tuesday, shortly after Chief, a 15-year-old Black Lab, was again offered fruit salad and smoked olives for dinner, several of his friends, including Sparky, a nine-year-old Pomeranian, and Loki, a seven-year-old Malamute, voiced their concerns for the aging dog's well being.Friends of Chief, the dog, had been concerned because his new owners kept doing things that dog owners would never do, like walk him from a helicopter or make him wear stupid-looking glasses. Fortunately, a new "doggie director" has been hired, and she appears to have spent time with an actual dog before, so Chief's friends are optimistic he won't die in the next few weeks.

"At first we were very excited to see the old fella re-adopted out of the shelter," noted Sparky as he intermittently licked his balls. "Most dogs his age that are abandoned end up getting the 'Kill Spike' as we call it. So it was real cool that his new owners saved him from extinction. But then they kept doing all these weird things that led us to believe they've never owned a dog before, or perhaps have never actually touched one until now, so we're a little scared for Chief's future."

Loki noted that Chief has lost 15 pounds since being acquired by the new owners, a weight loss the owners call part of his "renovation." Upon being confronted by the neighborhood dogs, Chief's new owners, Jim Crooked and Felonie McFaniel, admitted that they've never actually owned a dog before, but they do have big plans for the animal.

"He just looked so old and sad when we first saw him," said McFaniel. "So we decided we had to adopt him. And once we had him, we were like 'let's make him awesome,' so that's what we've been trying to do lately. He just has so much potential."

In addition to Chief's new low-fat, vegetarian diet, his owners have been taking him on long walks through the neighborhood. But to be as efficient as possible, Crooked drives the family Lexus while McFaniel holds the leash out the window.

"That ain't right," noted Sparky about the twice daily "walking sessions." "I'm an actual dog, and that's not how we do it. It's embarrassing. Chief's owners seem to mean well, but they just don't have a clue as to what they're doing."

Disappointed to hear criticism from the friends of Chief, within two days, Crooked and McFaniel hired an Executive Dog Director who would be in charge of Chief's daily maintenance. According to her resume, the new director, Bamara Bebam, has actually owned dogs before and knows they aren't keen on eating fruits and vegetables or wearing red bandanas across their butts.

"Yeah, they were going to kill Chief if they hadn't hired me," admitted Bebam. "But now I've got him on a regular diet of actual dog food, and I'll make sure Chief gets to do the things he loves. Oddly, besides the usual dog stuff, he really likes to watch movies. It must be something his previous owners did with him before they abandoned him."

Friends of Chief were elated to hear that a handler had been brought in. Loki reported that he saw Chief this morning, and he was half-heartedly chasing a Frisbee that was being tossed in his general direction.

"He was doing real dog stuff, like barking at anything that moved within 200 feet of him and eating poop," added Loki. "I think he's going to make it. Well, at least until he dies soon of old age."