'Unappreciated' Fire and Police Departments Suspected of Leaving Poop Bomb Outside City Council Meeting

Written by Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove Monday, 18 February 2013

Last night's Steamboat Springs City Council meeting was interrupted by a classical prank that most councilmembers believe was perpetrated by the local police and fire departments. At approximately 8:13 p.m., City Council President Kart Beforehorski received a text saying an urgent package was awaiting him outside Centennial Hall, where a full meeting of the council was taking place. As Beforehorski went to the door, he was surprised to see a flaming bag on the front entrance.City Council's recent meeting came to a halt for several minutes when a flaming bag of poop was left outside of Centennial Hall. Jilted members of the police and fire departments were considered the prime suspects, but an official police investigation led to no arrests. "We didn't find shit--well, except that big turd bomb," noted Police Chief Haley Joel Osment Rae with a wink.

"I reacted instinctively and began stomping on the bag to put it out, before the building caught on fire," noted Beforehorski. "Of course, it was filled with dog poop. At least I hope it was only dog poop. It got all over my new loafers and my favorite pair of 'Council khakis.'"

Next to the once-flaming bag of poop was a letter created from cutout magazine letters, stating: "This is what will happen if you have to put out your own fires." Police then were called onscene, but their investigation proved short and fruitless.

"There's nothing further we can do," related a chuckling Haley Joel Osment Rae, Steamboat's Chief of Police. "We followed all possible leads, even the crappy ones, and came up with dookie. The case is closed. I'm going to go home now, because I'm pooped," he finished while giggling uncontrollably.

City Council Member Scari Helmetheadski became irate after seeing the poop-stained entrance and her perceived lack of an investigation. She believes the fire department worked with the police department to pull off the caper.

"We know the police were upset that we tried to stick them in the Iron Horse Inn," noted Helmetheadski. "They all complained a lot about getting bed bugs in their patrol cars and having to call that slum home for an undetermined length of time. But we at least cancelled that plan. And then the fire department got pissed when we wrote a letter to Governor Lickenlooper asking him to oppose state collective bargaining rights to our firefighters. But is a poop bomb the proper and mature way to voice your disapproval? I think not."

However, Steamboat Springs Fire Rescue Captain Mike Farce, who not surprisingly favors collective bargaining for he and his co-workers, denied that the fire department had anything to do with the poop bomb.

"Look, we're all a little disappointed in the City Council's recent actions toward the fire and police departments," he said. "I mean, who'd want to work out of the Iron Horse or not be able to bargain for better wages and conditions? But that doesn't mean we'd poop--I mean stoop--to leaving a flaming bag of dung on their building. Such accusations are baseless. That said, it was pretty awesome, wasn't it? Poop bomb ... Too funny."