Johnny Spillane Announces Retirement to Focus on Tarnishing Perfect Image

Written by Tiger Woods 2.0 Thursday, 18 July 2013

Three-time Olympic medalist, world champion and Steamboat icon Johnny Spillane announced his retirement from Nordic-combined racing to spend more time tarnishing his perfect image among fans and Steamboat Springs residents.Steamboat "Golden Boy" Johnny Spillane, sporting a new edgy and somewhat sinister goatee, announced with his retirement that he plans to spend more time "away from his family" and working on projects that make him generally less perfect.

"Sure, I said all the usual things about retiring to spend more time with my family, blah, blah, blah," noted Spillane in a candid interview with the Pirate News Network. "But I want to be like most 'big-time' athletes and really get out there to spoil this 'perfect-guy, goody-two-shoes' image I've been carrying around like a lead anvil all these years."

Spillane's primary focus on his "Golden No More" image campaign will be his continued work as the public face of the Three Men and an Olympian group seeking to build an unwanted and legally and politically impossible casino near the Hayden airport, but he hasn't ruled out other popular methods to ruin his public personae.

"My Negative Publicist, Muddy Thoughters, said the quickest way to really go hardcore badass was to start sleeping with strippers and prostitutes--maybe release a sex tape, but that's been done too many times by too many famous people," added Spillane. "I want to set myself apart from other disgraced icons and find something that cries out for help in a much more Steamboat sort of way."

Mr. Thoughters, who previously worked with Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, Lenny Dykstra, Lawrence Taylor and Lance Armstrong, among others, added that he's constantly pitching ideas on what will make the most spectacular crash and create the most negative PR.

"Gambling seems like a natural fit for Johnny, so we've been working on how to blow through thousands of dollars in endorsements on a few hands of blackjack, getting drunk and swearing at card dealers and not tipping cocktail waitresses, in addition to his work with the casino group," he added. "But we don't want to rest there. We've stopped paying taxes, which is an easy one, but we're also looking into some local charities we can defraud, and we're talking to some dictators we can associate with to really get 'down and dirty.'"

In addition to the celebrity peer pressure to stop succeeding after retirement, Spillane also cites the years of living under a perfect reputation as motivation for the change in personality and ethics.

"You have no idea how hard it is to be perfect all the time," said Spillane, nearing tears. "The incessant smile, the perfect team leadership, the boyish good lucks--it all wears on you after a while. I want to get more George Thoroughgood--you know, 'b-b-b-bad ... bad to the bone.' That's gonna be me from here on out."