Craig, Colo., Citizen Introduces New Laws Requiring Mandatory Tobacco and Bible Use

Written by Cy N. Mighty Wednesday, 07 August 2013

Building off his sketch-comedy inducing efforts to introduce legislation requiring Craig, Colo., "heads of households" to own and brandish firearms at all possible time, Craig Crumble, from Craig, naturally, introduced new legislation requiring citizens there to smoke, dip or chew tobacco as well as carry a Bible with them at all times.Craig Resident Craig Crumble (left) appeared on the Pirate Theatre Monthly Daily Show to show off his new invention, the Spit Dangler, worn by his legal expert, Dipschlitz (right).

"I just want Craig to be more 'Merican, unlike that Commie Steamboat place," mumbled Crumble as he spit tobacco juice on the floor and raised his Bible in the air. "And nothin's more 'Merican than tobaccah and the Bible--New Testament of course. Old Testament's OK as a starter, but you need Jesus in your heart to be a real 'Merican. Otherwise you're just Jewish."

Crumble cited the country's Founding Fathers as inspiration for the new laws. However, his parents, with whom the 48-year-old still lives with, noted that he cites imaginary writings of the Founding Fathers for everything he does.

"He'll only eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch," notes Larry Crumble, his apologetic father. "He says that's all Thomas Jefferson ate for lunch, so that's good enough for him. I actually tried to look that one up on the Google, but nothing came up regarding Mr. Jefferson and PB&J. My boy's just nuts."

Craig Crumble also introduced two new inventions that he will market with his proposed new laws.

"First, there's the Spit Dangler, which is basically a piece of string attached to a spittoon, so you can have your dip spitter handy whenever you need it," noted the younger Crumble as he again spit on the floor. "The second is a little bag that slips onto your belt to hold your mandatory Bible. I call it the Bi-bolster.

"I first called is a Bolster," he added. "But somebody told me that's an actual word already, so I changed it: Bi-bolster! Praise 'Merica! Praise Jesus!"

Upon hearing of the inventions, the senior Crumble's head sank. "I have no idea what we as parents did so wrong. But we obviously screwed up big time somewhere. Sorry."