GOP Convention Convenes in Routt County Forest

Written by Ty Webb Friday, 15 December 2006

The 2006 GOP Convention was welcomed heartily to its unusual location in the U.S. National Forest in North Routt County. An estimated 15,000 party faithful have arrived for the event, including several candidates for national office and a throng of well-heeled supporters.

A caravan of brand-new Hummers, Escalades, Mercedes and BMWs have been passing through Steamboat Springs on their way to the remote location 27 miles to the northeast. Banners proclaiming their arrival have been strung across Lincoln Ave., as their tourist dollars are expected to flood the town in the wake of their arrival.

"We couldn't be more excited about them coming to our forest," said U.S. Forest Service spokesperson, Major Doublestandard. "These people are at the highest levels of wealth and power in the world, and we just want them to feel appreciated. This is their forest, and we're here to serve their needs!"

The convention kicked off with a $250,000 fireworks show near thousands of acres of dead trees, highlighted by Michael Bolton singing a not-too-stirring version of The Star Spangled Banner. The opening festivities also featured the masterful catering of Wolfgang Puck, who had several pizza fires roaring despite the "Extreme Fire Danger" warning that had been rescinded just for the event. In addition, approximately 250 cases of wine were served throughout the night from the Sonoma Valley in California--certainly not from those communists and freedom haters in France.

U.S. Forest Service personnel were on hand in force for the event, providing several services for attendees. Dozens worked as valets along the forest service road, so no one would have to walk too far into the "icky" woods, while others carried around plates of appetizers and threatened anyone who dared call them hors d'oeuvres.

"This event has truly been top notch--top notch!" said attendee Judge Elihu Smails, a GOP donor from Bushwood Country Club. "I just can't wait until Pookie and I go on the hunting excursion tomorrow. The Forest Servants have guaranteed that we'll all be able to shoot something. They're making every species available, even those damn Spotted Owls if you can find one, and they'll even tranquilize those large elk things so we can get real close and mow them down. And, of course, we'll be able to kill all the gophers that we can find. That will be a hum dinger, I'm sure. How about a Fresca?"

Other festivities planned for later in the convention include a five-mile "hike" into the Mt. Zirkel Wilderness Area. Each "hiker" will be provided with their own motorized ATV, and the trip will conclude with another catered meal of roast elk tenderloin, goose liver pate and local pheasant breast. Although no motorized vehicles are normally allowed in the Wilderness Area, the Forest Service provided another special exemption for the outing.

When asked if the GOP leadership filled out any permits that would be required for any gathering of more than 74 people, GOP Chairman Theodore Moneybags III implied that such documents would be unnecessary.

"Permits??!! We don't need no stinkin' permits!!!" laughed Moneybags III. U.S. Forest Service officials concurred that the normally standard documents would be unnecessary.

"We're not going to bother these busy, important and wealthy people with having to fill out a single piece of paper," added Doublestandard. "We just want them to enjoy our beautiful wilderness, maybe take a few souvenirs, such as a big elk rack or whatever else we can find for them, and enjoy their time spent in our forests."

Steamboat's local Waste Management company has been hired for the event's cleanup, which could be extensive as no trash containers have been requested. Waste Management will only be allowed on the premises after the event to take care of all the randomly discarded trash, including the non-French sparkling-water bottles that are being discarded wherever they're finished. As far as human waste, helicopters flew in dozens of 2,000-square-foot bathrooms complete with running water that will dump any waste into the local water supply.

Major Doublestandard also spent some time putting to rest any rumors that have been floating around Steamboat locals.

"There's absolutely no truth to the wild accusations that have been flying around town," he noted. "For starters, none of the GOP Family members have been digging through the dumpsters behind Café Ima Diva for leftover salmon steaks or crème brulee. That's just ridiculous. And none of the miniature schnauzers or other lap dogs have any type of disease that's spreading among our local dogs. These dogs eat caviar and filet mignon, and they pose no threat, other than the tiny little droppings that they leave without the owners thinking about picking them up."

In preparation for the event, local businesses have been stocking up on items they were told are favorites of the GOP Family when they arrive at a location. For example, the Clark Store has had to order several boxes of Cuban cigars, with special permission from the U.S. Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms department. The store also replaced its ice cream stand with a Sushi bar.

"To tell ya' the truth, I have no idea what I'm doing with these fish," said Crusty McCudgeon, owner of the Clark Store and now Sushi chef. "I'm just cuttin' up some trout and crayfish from the river here, and they seem to be gobbling 'em up for $8 a piece. I can't believe they don't want me to cook 'em, but whatever ..."

The event is expected to culminate on Saturday, when the convention members will gather in a circle and pray for their continued affluence and world domination.

"It's going to be a great event," concluded Doublestandard. "We just want to make sure these good people know that this forest is at