Code Yellow: S.S.P.P.D. on Patrol

Written by Flo Freely Sunday, 04 April 2010

They say that you don't buy beer, you only rent it.  In most cases, renters make their returns appropriately, in an approved porcelain facility.  Often, however, heading home after a night out and having rented one too many beers, the world begins to look like one gigantic toilet.  In response to the rising tide of public urination in recent months, the Steamboat Springs Police Department has created a new unit to stem the tide of these infractions, the S.S.P.P.D.

There's nothing to see here.

The officers of the S.S.P.P.D., as the new unit will be known, are easily recognizable in their golden yellow uniforms with the white porcelain buttons, which made quite a splash when they were introduced last week.  S.S.P.P.D. unit commander, I. P. Strong-Daily, speaking to the media while standing with his legs crossed hopping up and down, said that he has conducted a careful analysis of the information stream and pooled his resources.  He then declared a "code yellow" and left the room in a big hurry.  When he returned, his oversized coffee mug refilled to the brim, he was much more relaxed and ready to answer more questions.

The S.S.P.P.D. does not want to rely on catching violators in the act of public urination.  "Who wants to stake out an alley or a parking lot at 2 a.m., looking for drunks watering the pavement?  We have assembled a team of highly trained, urine sniffing dogs, a K-9 unit if you will, to locate the crime scenes and flush out the perpetrators.  These dogs really love their jobs.  Of course, the S.S.P.P.D. will still have a visible street presence."  Officers will carry small plastic bottles with labels for evidence collection once a suspect is apprehended, and Dr. Pincus "Pinkie" Turnyaheddenkoff has already been hired as staff urologist.

Strong-Daily advises citizens to find out where the bathrooms are whenever they enter a drinking establishment and to use them, frequently, particularly at last call.  He is working with local bar and restaurant owners to install adult diaper dispensers.  "Remember," he warns, "if the S.S.P.P.D. catches you, urine trouble."