Kiddy Council Vetoes Public Option, School Nurse Preps Strawberry Soda Elementary For Switch To Privatization

Written by The Pirate Sunday, 04 April 2010

In compliance with the mandate to cut the school district's budget over the next three years, Strawberry Soda Elementary's Kiddy Council has voted to overhaul the school's money-hemorrhaging health care system. "We deemed it unwieldy to allow our students continued free access to the health care they have now," says president Scari Helmutheadski. "We have stemmed the raging tide of funds spent on health care in our school."

Councilperson Slim Angleking elaborates, "Socialized medicine is the enemy of democracy. Our goal is to 'de-socialize' the entire primary education system. God bless America. And Craig, America." One supportive community member, Leslie Hasnokitts, agreed, "We can't be spending taxpayers' money for fourth graders with 'headaches' to get out of class. No more ditching on our dime!"

Parents who wish their children to have private health care coverage may visit the Kiddy Council office in room 103 for an application. Applications will only be printed in English to discourage illegal immigrant children from attending public school and thus saving further taxpayer dollars. The application will screen students' health history for red flags such as broken bones, ear infections, runny nose, and asthma. "This screening process enables us to implement a tiered system that provides monetary rewards for good health, "explains Helmutheadski. "Students who don't have any red flags, have the proper immunization, and can prove that they haven't been sick for two years will be eligible for the gold standard." 

Kiddy Council has contracted with Rocky Mountain Health Plans to be Strawberry Soda Elementary's carrier. "Through vigilant monitoring we will protect our members from fraud. We chose RMHP because they have an efficient system for evaluating the insurability of children, from infants on up," continues Helmutheadski. "We pledge to work hard for our members. Students will be dropped from coverage if they have too many stomachaches."

As another money-saving device, Kiddy Council has ensured low prescription costs by signing contracts with Children's Tylenol and Triamenic.

When interviewed about her preparations for the upcoming change, school nurse Hot Damberlan said that the nurse's office was being remodeled to accommodate private rooms for gold standard students. "I will also be hiring an assistant to track insurance information and health screening," Nurse Damberlan says. She hopes to fill the new position internally with one of the teachers who will lose their jobs to additional budget cuts this spring.