700 Club Announces Affordable Housing Plan: Magic Beans

Written by Prince Charming Monday, 05 April 2010

At a packed house during a special Centennial Hall meeting, Steamboat 700 Club finally released its much-anticipated plans to create its mandated amount of affordable housing on 15 acres of designated land.

"We've spent thousand of dollars on a variety of housing studies, and were certain that the plan we've come up with will effectively create the affordable housing that we promised," said 700 Club principal and project manager Manny Dullazy. "We apologize for the delay in presenting our affordable-housing plan until during the vote on the project, but we needed to be sure it would work. Without further ado, here it is."

The 700 Club affordable housing plan consists of giant developable beanstalks growing from magic beans.

Dulllazy then raised a small burlap sack high above his head.

"What the hell is that?" asked several members of the audience simultaneously.

"It's a bag of magic beans," replied Dullazy.

"Magic beans ... ?" asked Jess Getoffmylawn, a confused attendee who opposes the development.

"Magic beans," repeated Dullazy.

The audience remained perfectly silent for several moments, while everyone looked at each other.

"You're fucking kidding, right?" asked Getoffmylawn.

Dulllazy then proceeded to explain that he indeed wasn't kidding, adding that the bewildered audience wasn't appreciating the fact that these beans were enchanted.

"So what we're going to do is plant these beans in the space reserved for affordable housing. Overnight, several giant beanstalks should grow from the ground. These beanstalks will have giant leaves that we can build affordable homes on. Voila ..." Dullazy added with a dramatic gesture.

"Come on," replied Getoffmylawn. "You're fucking kidding, right? You know, this ain't funny."

Dullazy continued that they've estimated that 400 affordable homes could be built on the giant leaves, and that there shouldn't be a problem as long as they don't build too close to the lair of the giant with the goose that lays the golden eggs. Apparently, he's still angry with outsiders ever since Jack raided his castle in the sky.

"It may seem a little unbelievable, but so did the idea of a princess finding a fairy godmother who helped her find a prince while wearing magic glass slippers. And we all know it really happened to Cinderella. This will all work out happily ever after," said Dullazy, who then waved his arms to turn himself "invisible" and very visibly walked out of the building and its stunned audience.