Millions Living on Sidewalks to Support Local Protest

Written by Rollie Fingers Friday, 04 April 2008

Hertie Gertie, the owner of the Dang Gummit Chinese restaurant in Ski Time Square, spoke again at last night's City Council meeting, noting that millions of people worldwide have joined him in his protest against City Council by living on the sidewalk, as he does each day in front of his restaurant.

According to Dang Gummit owner Hertie Gertie, millions of people are living on the sidewalk solely to show their support for his peaceful resistance against "liquor license tyranny."

Gertie, who now only speaks to City Council members via well-articulated farts, cited Internet searches that indicate a growing number of people supporting his cause by "hitting the streets."

"I think it's wonderful," farted Gertie to Anton Luinuci, president of Steamboat Springs City Council. "These people don't have to do this, you know. But they choose to live on the sidewalk, like I do, to show the rest of the world that I, Hertie Gertie, deserve to be able to sell booze to vacationing tourists.

"And based on the data I've found," he continued farting, "the numbers of those supporting me are continuing to grow at a very rapid rate. They must be reading about me online. There's no other explanation for this kind of behavior. I mean, why else would they live on the street?"

"Mr. Gertie, that's ridiculous," interrupted Scari Helmetheadski, another member of Steamboat's City Council. "Those people are living on the street because -"

At that point, Mr. Gertie pulled down his pants, bent over and smacked his butt cheeks in the direction of City Council. Several Council members then proceeded to pull down their pants and moon Mr. Gertie. Some male members of City Council also waved their penises in Gertie's direction.

"You'll never shut me up!" farted Gertie particularly loudly. "Until I can walk into Dang Gummit and order myself a Fuzzy Navel, I'm going to keep on living on the street, just like my millions of fans!"

After Gertie ran, farting, out of the meeting, and the air quality improved enough to breathe again, Helmetheadski proposed a motion to ban Hertie Gertie from Steamboat Springs entirely. The motion was rejected 4-3.

"I'm afraid to do anything more with Mr. Gertie," said Luinuci. "I just don't know what he'd come up with. None of us saw this sidewalk protest coming, and it's made all of us, town included, look like idiots. I don't want to take any chances of him coming up with something even crazier. Let's just leave him on the sidewalk where we can see him."