Non-native Species Runs Amok in Yampa Valley

Written by Brent Cranium Friday, 04 April 2008

Cranes From Vail, Snowmass Breed with Locals, Create Resistant Hybrid Strain

In a large-scale illustration of unintended consequences, a new resistant hybrid crane is overtaking the Yampa Valley. Professor Seymour Biggassi, head of CMC's ornithology department, believes that a new strain of crane has evolved in the Yampa Valley, the result of unintended interbreeding between local cranes and visitors from Vail and Snowmass.

Flocks of cranes can be seen nesting on the Sleeping Giant.

"If you know what to look for, it really is quite easy to distinguish between the two varieties of crane," said Biggassi. "Cranes native to the Yampa Valley can be identified by their ability to fold themselves up and move from place to place on their own wheels. The species found in the Vail Valley are much larger and lack this ability. Many of the cranes you now see are of the larger Vail variety. The males are easily identified by their huge counterweights. The one at the ski mountain is even building a new nest for itself. This is classic Vail crane behavior."

This new species of hybrid crane, known to locals as the Biggassi Crane, has negatively impacted its surroundings by leaving a residue of obnoxious, overpriced multi-use buildings with a nouveau-urban pseudo-western cachet. These excremental buildings are so similar in design that it is almost impossible to tell them apart, causing tourists to wander about with even more bewildered expressions, asking, "Where can I buy a Breckenridge t-shirt?" It is theorized that these buildings may be genetic clones.

Professor Bigassi noted that the new cranes "have no natural predators in the Yampa Valley. The Vail and Snowmass valleys are very narrow and provide a natural deterrent to the cranes. They seem to thrive in the wide, flat-bottomed Yampa Valley. They are expected to eat, build their nests and breed across the valley floor at record levels for the foreseeable future.

Biggassi believes that the new hybrid species is the result of interbreeding. "Somehow, the Vail crane was introduced to the Yampa Valley. One could have arrived here by accident, or maybe it was on purpose, like a fisherman dumping a bucketful of smallmouth bass into a trout lake." Whatever the reason, the new cranes are here to stay.

In a bold, innovative environmental move that seems to go counter to any previous species regulation, the downtown area has been designated an endangered habitat and the offending species, the Bigassi crane, has been relocated to new digs on nearby local icon Sleeping Giant. According to town spokesperson Ima Bigassi (Professor Bigassi's sister), City Council supports the relocation effort and believes sleeping Giant would actually benefit from a little pseudo-western cachet excrement.