Virtual Terrorists Hijack Newspaper; Disaster Averted When No One Cares

Written by Lonely N. NeedAlife Friday, 04 April 2008

Completely unbeknownst to the operators of the Steamboat Pirate and Yesterday, their newspaper was the victim of a hostile online terrorist occupation. The band of extremists, who congregate in the area known as "Comments" on the paper Web site, unleashed their assault on the newspaper between the hours of midnight and 4 a.m.

"Long live the revolution! And you're all stupid!" wrote virtual hijacker hihorse41, who enclosed this photo with the latest posting. Of course, the face was blurred out to protect the anonymity of this brave hero.

According to a statement from one of the hijackers, hihorse41, the invasion will not cease until their demands are met.

"We want to be recognized for the vital impact we have on Steamboat Springs, without actually being recognized, because that would take away our ability insult and condescend to everyone else without any consequences," wrote hihorse41 at 3:18 a.m.

When informed of the terrorist attack, Pirate and Yesterday Editor Bent Boner yawned  and drank some coffee.

"Yeah, thanks for the notice," said Boner. "Welcome to my life. Want some doughnuts? They're good today."

Another terrorist, holierthanthou, demanded the virtual release of fellow comrades MrightNURwrong and URstupid33.

"We know you have denied Commenting access to our compatriots," wrote holierthanthou at 3:25 a.m. "If they aren't allowed to Comment within 48 hours, we will unleash hell from our keypads. Your monitors will be soaked with blood and really nasty comments about your mother."

When informed of these specific demands, Bent Boner read Doonesbury and finished a Soduku.

"Oh, you mean you want a real answer about these freaks? I thought you were just kidding. Yeah, I think we blocked those log ins. One kept insulting an 84-year-old granny on her deathbed. I think the other one was giving out directions to a 12-year-old's house so people could hassle his family. Not that any one of them would actually confront anyone, which is why we don't pay any attention to them."

When asked if Boner ever considered discontinuing the Comments section on the paper's Web site, he noted that the world was probably safer if the bloggers stayed indoors all day.

"If we shut down the Comments, I'm afraid they might actually go outside," added Boner. "I mean, would you actually want to meet one of those people? Now that would cause some real terror.

"But let me know how their hijacking is going. We couldn't be more concerned ..." said Boner as he played some solitaire on his computer.

Comments (from local newspaper Web site)

Sboatloser 2:12 a.m.

Where does this reporter, lonelyNeedAlife, get off saying things like that about hihorse41? I hate that reporter! I say we find out where he or she lives, and light a bag of dog turds on the doorstep!

imajagoff 2:13 a.m.

Yeah! Great idea, sboatloser. We'll show everyone at that paper who's boss. They're all so stupid. If they ever met hihorse41, they'd know what a genius he or she is. Not that I've ever met him or her. Or anyone else in a really long time.

sboatloser 2:13 a.m.

So wanna play some World of Warcraft? My mom's asleep, so I can play what I want now.

imajagoff 2:14 a.m.

Sure, but I get to be the warlock this time. But before I go: everyone else sucks! Yeah!