School Board Buys Out School Board

Written by Anita Windfall Friday, 04 April 2008

Last year, the Ski Town School Board ended a long-running feud with then superintendent Gonna Scowl by buying out of the remainder of Scowl's contract and sending her laughing all the way to the bank.  "It doesn't look so good on my resume, but it looks great on my checkbook balance," tittered Scowl.  Apparently inspired by their own actions and enraged by Scowl when she flipped them the bird as she skipped out the door, the School Board has voted unanimously to have the Ski Town School Board buy themselves out of the remainder of their terms.

School Board members convene in a super-duper ultra-secret cone-of-silence session behind closed doors in the back room you need a password to get in.

"Why should she have all the fun?  We're stuck here dealing with yet another superintendent, while Scowl got to move on to her goody-goody job at the Ski Town Housing Authority," snarled grizzled School Board veteran Vincent DeJohnis.  "Three of us got voted in with that corny 'Learn Your ABCs' campaign.  Now, ABC stands for 'A Buncha Cash,' " chortled new and soon to be former School Board member Pieca Brownie.

This unprecedented yet devilishly creative action has left interim superintendent Soon Goodbyeser scratching her head.  "Without a School Board to harass me incessantly, I'm feeling a bit at sea.  So, since this happened, I've just been playing Minesweeper on my computer and hanging around the school central kitchen sampling the cooking.  The Yankee Bean Casserole is to die for.  You don't happen to have a handful of Tums handy, do you?" grimaced Goodbyeser.

Now, the School District is faced with the challenge of operating without a School Board, at least temporarily.  One idea that has been bandied about is letting the students share the responsibility, grade by grade, starting with Kindergarten.  "From what I've heard, it can't possibly get any more childish than it was," said Goodbyeser.  Another thought was to take a cue from the Ski Town City Council and hire a consultant to study the problem for a year or two.  Interim Superintendent Soon Goodbyeser was very much in favor of this idea, because, as she put it with a smile on her face, "by the time the consultant has finished the study, somebody or other will have bought me out of my contract and I'll be sitting pretty, too." 
Because of the generous nature of all these buyouts, and all the publicity as a result, the Ski Town School District now has 26,581 applications for the superintendent's job currently on file.

(For a graphic to accompany this article, how about a pie chart labeled "Budget" showing a teensy slice for the schools and all the rest for buyouts?)