Dems Cave to Republican's Demands for Continuing Annual Softball Game, Lose 132-0

Written by Sharon Balanced Friday, 05 August 2011

Wanting to keep alive the annual Capitol Hill Softball Classic, Washington Democrats agreed to a long list of demands the Republican team insisted on before they would "play ball." Surprisingly, the new rules seemed to work against the Democrat team, as they were trounced in record-breaking fashion, 132-0.

President Obama agreed to Republicans' new softball rules, which led to a crushing Democrat defeat, only after Republican leaders swore negotiaions would be more fair next time.

"We felt that it was important for all of the politicians to get together for this fun, annual event," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, on the losing Democrat side. "It was more important to us to get on with the game than worry about who won or lost."

"We buried those motherfu$%ers," countered Republican Majority Whip and Team Captain Eric Cantor. "The only thing that matters is the scoreboard, bitches."

The once-whimsical tradition looked like it wasn't going to happen in 2011, as the Republican team swore it would not play an inning unless Democrats changed the rules to meet their demands. The Democrats held strong in opposition, until an hour before the game, at which point they agreed to every single Republican wish.

Among the rules changes accepted by the Democrats:
• Any Democrat who touches a softball with a bat is immediately out.
• Should President Barack Obama enter the batter's box at any time, he will be out, and the Republican side will receive seven runs.
• Any Democrat hit by a softball is immediately out and has to kneel before the other team and exclaim, "I'm a pansy! You are stronger than I am!"
• Each Republican batter gets three outs per inning. Only on the third out is a Republican removed from the field, and then only after scoring the mandatory six runs per Republican player.
• Any ball hit by a Republican past the pitcher is a home run.

After the game, President Obama was asked if he felt the new rules changes were too lopsided.

"I don't think so," noted Obama. "Democrats did what we had to do to get the game back on track. Now no one can say we were the ones who refused to negotiate, and that makes us all feel good, even after a pretty substantial butt-kicking on the softball diamond."

Obama also quickly noted that he was promised the Republicans would consider not holding the fall's Congressional Corn Maze Race hostage with another series of one-sided demands, but nothing was agreed to on paper.

"But I've received many assurances that the next time, us Democrats are going to get what we deserve. They promised me that," added Obama.