Palin Resigns from Fox News to Better Work for Fox News

Written by Ewe Betcha Monday, 05 April 2010

Former vice presidential candidate and former governor of Alaska Sarah Palin announced in a press conference today, in between book signings and paid speeches and television show pitches, that she has resigned from her position with Fox News, so she can "better serve the needs of Fox News."

"I'm doing today what's in the best interest of Fox News, and that's to resign from my position with them, so that I can work for them in other areas where I'm not bogged down by working for them," said Palin, who made sure to not look at her hand nor any perceived teleprompter at any time.

Announcing her abrupt resignation from Fox News, former everything Sarah Palin noted that "you can put a hook in a fish's mouth, but that doesn't make you Betty Crocker."

"When I pursued and accepted my job with Fox News, I always promised I would work diligently for them," she continued while winking and still making sure to not look at her hand. "So now the best way I can do that is to not work for them."

When confronted by confused reporters asking how not working for someone is the best way to work for them, Palin chastised them in a folksy manner.

"Only fish sticks swim onto a bun," she began. "Sometimes you can't have your moose jerky and still be a lumberjack. That pretty much says it all, don't it?"

A Fox News representative confirmed that Palin was stepping down from her analyst position with the network. She had signed a four-year deal with the television news company, but she quit after only three months into the arrangement. According to sources, Palin received much of her hefty salary up front, which she planned on keeping. Fox News was unsure at this point if they were going to try to recoup that money.

"We're pretty much screwed," said a Fox News executive under sworn anonymity. "Our audience loves her no matter what she does, so we can't sue her for that money. We'll probably just have to write it off and hope she'll continue to make guest appearances, which I'm sure we'll have to pay her for. In hindsight, the upfront bonus money was pretty stupid on our part."

When asked what she would be doing next, Palin hinted that reality television might be her next stop.

"I'm looking into a few things," she said, still really, really careful to not look at her hand. "I heard you get paid a lot to dance with the stars, so I might do that. And I bet that Trump guy pays good money for his little show, so I'm interested there. And then, of course, I might run for president, too.

"But wherever I end up working, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll work as hard as I can for whatever that is, even if that again means I have to stop working for them. You know, I'm just all about doing what's best for other people. I'm a public servant, and a private servant, and just a servant of all things public and private ..." Palin continued on for another five minutes, but it was too convoluted for the press pool to follow.

"So thank you all for being here, and especially Fox News for giving me this opportunity to work for them by not working for them," she added. "Now excuse me, but I have to get back on my jet to finish my bus tour."