Republicans Back New Energy Source: Clean Nitroglycerin
Written by T. Entee Thursday, 02 June 2011
In response to recent setbacks in the perceived safety of previously supported coal, oil, shale gas and nuclear fuels, Republicans and their various arms and support groups, including Fox News, are pushing for a new fuel to become the face of Republican energy policy: Clean Nitroglycerin.
Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean.""We experienced some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never, ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy source is Clean Nitroglycerin."
Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any major catastrophes, so it had to be safe.
"You should know that the Nobel Peace Prize guy started one of the first nitroglycerin factories in 1865," noted Hanz Shakin, president of BCNU. "Sure, it killed his younger brother and blew up the factory twice, but that was regular nitroglycerin. We're talking about Clean Nitroglycerin. Just be sure to Google that and not the regular stuff, and you won't find any problems. Did I mention that it treats heart disease, too?"
When asked to explain the difference between regular nitroglycerin and Clean Nitroglycerin, Shakin explained that it was in the refining process. "It's the same process that makes Clean Coal clean," he added. "We just applied the same principles to create Clean Nitroglycerin. It's very complicated--science stuff. And our backers--and much of the American public--just aren't into all of those technicalities. Sometimes you just have to believe in something, right?"
Shakin noted that no factory currently is ready to produce and refine Clean Nitroglycerin, but that with a minor investment from the United States of $3.5 billion, several facilities would be operational within 2-3 years, well after the next election cycle.
"I'm very excited about Clean Nitroglycerin," added Boehner. "The United States could be on the cutting edge of this thing. It's real, not hypothetical like wind or solar power. It exists right now. And we have an almost unlimited supply of nitrogen and ... glycerinates.
"This is an industry that's really ready to 'blow up,'" he continued, "and Republican leadership is getting in at ground zero. This is truly the future for our party and its energy policy."
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