Scientists Discover God Particle Man, Who then Fights with Triangle Man

Written by Universe Man Monday, 19 December 2011

Science/Technology

Physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN, yes the acronym makes no sense to Americans--it's a European thing) announced to a standing-room-only crowd of They Might Be Giants fans that they have discovered the band's elusive "God Particle Man" in a series of near-light-speed collisions at the Large Hadron Collider, a 27-kilometer ring-shaped tunnel straddling the French-Swiss border.For the incredibly tiny portion of people interested in both physics and 1990s indie band They Might Be Giants, the discovery of God Particle Man vindicated the billions of dollars spent to build the Large Hadron Collider.

"We were looking for the Higg's boson, the missing link in the so-called Standard Model of physics first put forth by Albert Einstein," noted Guido Tonedefelli, leader of the experiment. "But what we found was so much better if you're a fan of 1990s goofy indie rock. Having studied at The University at Geneva at that time, and danced my cannolis off to Birdhouse In Your Soul many times, it's absolutely thrilling to have confirmed what the Two John's sang about so happily back then."

The discovery has forced the physicists to contemplate other questions first posed by They Might Be Giants in their Flood Album.

"Is he a dot? Is he a speck? When he's underwater, does he get wet? Or does the water get him instead? Nobody knows ... God Particle Man ..." sang Tonedefelli.

The excitement over the startling discovery of God Particle Man was almost immediately tempered, however, as Triangle Man burst into the crowd at CERN and started a fight with God Particle Man. First Triangle Man, who also hates Person Man and is generally known as a bastard SOB, began taunting God Particle Man's size, but then began shoving his renowned nemesis. Things got ugly when Triangle Man ripped off his white tank-top t-shirt and yelled "Come on, Little Man! You want a piece of this?"

Encouraged by the crowd, which had circled around the two song characters and was chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!", God Particle Man begrudgingly took a swing at Triangle Man, but missed. Triangle Man then proceeded to pummel God Particle Man with a series of moves he learned studying Mixed Martial Arts, waiting for just this occasion. 

Tonedeffelli summed up the combat succinctly: "They have a fight. Triangle wins ... Triangle Man."