Written by Nate Tivity Sunday, 16 December 2012
Several dozen worshippers at Holy Name church in Kittypawpaw, Miss., were shocked when its previously plastic, life-sized "Jesus on the Cross" became animated with The Savior, who stepped down from his perch to address the congregation.
"First of all, I hope I didn't freak anyone out too bad by showing up here and occupying this statue," said Jesus Hank Christ of Bethlehem, Palestine. "But as my big day nears, I couldn't stand by and watch any longer without speaking my mind. So I came down here to Earth to give a 'shout out' to all the television personalities at Fox News. Their annual crusade against those fighting the War on Christmas really symbolizes everything that I stand for, and I wanted that message to get back to them. Wait. I shouldn't use the word crusade. Let's change that to their annual witch hunt. Yes, that's better."
Christ added that he's sorry he hasn't stepped in to stop all the actual wars that have been committed worldwide, some admittedly in his name, but he felt that humans needed to work that out themselves, and that they'd never learn if he just did things for them. But the War on Christmas was the breaking point where Jesus felt compelled to make a public statement.
"You know, I was starting to become OK with people saying 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas,'" noted Christ. "But when I heard that someone in California--or course it was California, amirite?--was calling the evergreen in his living room a 'Holiday Tree' ... that was it. I was hoppin' mad. But just as I was about to take over the airwaves or something like that to speak my peace, there was Fox News, right on cue, calling out those infidels. Wait. I can't use infidels either. How do you people live with all of this PC bullsh#$? Back in my day, we called a spade a spade. Damn, can I even say that?"
Mr. Christ then gave a special thanks to Fox News' Bill O'Reilly, who has made the War on Christmas an annual staple of his television and radio shows.
"Seriously, my halo's off to Mr. O'Reilly," added Christ. "He never lets up. Year after year, he relentlessly heaps criticism on those schools that hold Holiday Pageants without mentioning the 'C word.' He completely broke the spirit of that third-grader in Massachusetts who tried to perform the '12 Days of Happiness.' Really? Twelve Days of Happiness? Come on! How gay is that? Bill really took it to that kid, which was awesome. Thanks, Bill-O. You Rock!"
Following his praise of O'Reilly, Christ concluded that this was all he had to say and promptly turned back into a plastic, inanimate object.
After a few moments of silence, Steve Trebleman, one of the congregation at Holy Name, joked, "I guess we better not change his name to Jesus Holiday, huh?" Before getting in a few laughs, Mr. Trebleman was struck by a rare indoor bolt of lightning and was incinerated. No further jokes were made.