Cinco de Mayo Declared Off Limits to White People Unless They Wear 'Kiss Me I'm Mexican' T-Shirt

After witnessing yet another Cinco de Mayo celebration with endless amounts of 100-percent Caucasian young people get "shit-canned" drunk during this Mexican holiday of independence, the respective leaders of Mexico and Ireland announced a bilateral treaty declaring that any white person partaking in the annual festivities must, at a minimum, wear an enormous sombrero or a "Kiss Me I'm Mexican" t-shirt.Under a new Irish/Mexican treaty, white Cinco de Mayo partygoers must demonstrate a tiny bit of cultural effort to partake in the day's binge drinking, beyond just slurring "ya ya ya, arriba, arriba!!!"Under a new Irish/Mexican treaty, white Cinco de Mayo partygoers must demonstrate a tiny bit of cultural effort to partake in the day's binge drinking, beyond just slurring "ya ya ya, arriba, arriba!!!"

"It's just not respectful or fair to the good people of Mexico that drunken fratboys and skanky lushes use our beloved Day of Independence as an excuse to get hammered off their ass," said Enrique Peña Nieto, the current President of Mexico. "We have enough shit to deal with down here, and taking the blame for the drunken antics of white 20-somethings just isn't something we need any more. We realize we can't stop these kids from plowing through Coronas and tequila shots, but we can at least have some standards and requirements that make these gringos reflect, between vomiting sessions, on what it might be like to be Mexican and why this is an important holiday."

The unusual partnership with Ireland came about because the "Emerald Isle" is extraordinarily familiar with white people adopting their holiday to get obnoxiously wasted.

"We've been dealing with this problem over our St. Patrick's Day, Lá Fhéile Pádraig, for what seems like hundred of years," announced Michael Daniel Higgins, the President of Ireland. "All these cracker hoodlums from the States declare Irish heritage for one day a year so they can do Guinness keg stands and Jameson shooters until they're drunk enough to make horrible decisions. And while we agree with our brothers in Mexico that we can't stop the drunken hijacking of our holiday, the Irish can at least take solace in the fact that these debauched lads and ladies slather themselves in Irish green and spend a lot of money on trademarked t-shirts declaring their one-day-a-year allegiance to all things Irish. Mexico doesn't get any of that shite, and it's time for that to end."

Under the treaty, anyone arrested or cited for doing something stupid while obscenely drunk on Cinco de Mayo, such as drunken driving, fighting, shooting guns or just being a general asshole, will receive an extra citation from the joint countries of Mexico and Ireland. If they can't prove they were wearing a "Kiss Me I'm Mexican" t-shirt or displaying some other form of solidarity with Mexico, they will be banned from future Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick Day festivities, spring breaks in Cancun or other Mexican destinations with a high concentration of wet t-shirt contests, and playing golf.


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