U.S./World News

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1 Cinco de Mayo Declared Off Limits to White People Unless They Wear 'Kiss Me I'm Mexican' T-Shirt Juan Anothercerveza
2 Progressive Church? New Pope Admits Da Vinci Code 'Pretty Good,' Prefers Book Opus Deidreamer
3 North Korea's Supreme Leader Cancels Playdate with Neighbor, Won't Answer Tin-Can Phone Kim Kardashi-un
4 NRA Proposes Breakable-Glass-Encased "Emergency Assault Rifles" in Every Hallway A.J. Fourtyseven
5 Jesus Returns to Thank Fox News for Rallying Against 'War on Christmas' Nate Tivity
6 Osama Punk'd! SEALs Posed as Crew for MTV Cribs: Pakistan Nomar Geronimo
7 Gaddafi Warrant Tossed, Again, Due to Name-Spelling Error Sue Pream-Leader

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