Steamboat Springs
Sheriff's Office Takes Ball, Goes Home; GRAMNET Left with No Balls
Written by Carrie Myjock Wednesday, 04 April 2007
In a move never seen before at Steamboat's Howelsen soccer fields,
the Routt County Sheriff's team, The Great Wall of Steamboat, while
leading 3-1 and dominating the game, picked up its ball and left
the field. Their opponents, GRAMNET's Shrinking Force, were left
without the resources to continue playing, since they can't afford
balls of their own.
The Routt County Sheriff's team (gold), dominating the GRAMNET side (blue), surprisingly took its ball and promptly left the field, taunting the ball-less side with "Nanny-nanny-woo-woo, you're a bag of poo-poo."
"It was just a big 'F You' to our team," said Chief Clancy Wiggum, Shrinking Force's captain. "They knew we couldn't do anything without using their equipment. So when it seemed like they were winning, those Great Wall jerks just took off. They think they're better than us, but they're not."
"Let's face it, we're better than them," countered Sheriff Stoned Wall Jackson, the captain of the Great Wall team. "We've kicked their butts, especially that Wiggum character, every time we've met up. It just wasn't worth it anymore to keep playing with them, so we decided to leave them for dead."
The Great Walls then took their ball to Denver, where they thought the competition would be more competent and less redneck.
"I'm tired of messing with these country bumpkins and...
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Sleeping Giant Pregnant!
Written by Chastity Stork-Lovebunny Wednesday, 04 April 2007
Loyal readers of this newspaper may remember that several issues ago, local legend Sleeping Giant had a sex change operation and became Wakeful Woman. Even more loyal readers may remember that in more recent issues, this newspaper completely forgot that important fact and Sleeping Giant became a man again. Loyal readers of this newspaper-GET A LIFE! Get your nose out of this ridiculous rag and go snowboarding or skiing or bowling!
The Sleeping Giant/Wakeful Woman awaits a sonogram to see if she's carrying twin peaks.
But, seriously, somewhere between the two genders the tubes got crossed and Wakeful Woman/Sleeping Giant is expecting a little hillock of joy. The maternal mountain is due to see Dr. Frank Lee Mydear, IDGAD, on Thursday for a sonogram. Conventional equipment will obviously not do the trick, so Dr. Mydear has arranged for Google Earth to link its satellites with the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Ramrod's ultra-bitchin' Bose Wave Radio Sonar. Dr. Mydear says Wakeful Woman/Sleeping Giant has gained weight "by the ton" and he...
Add a commentSchool Board Meets ... Shhhh ...
Written by Will Nottell Wednesday, 04 April 2007
The Steamboat Springs School Board met in super-duper ultra-secret cone of silence session behind closed doors in the back room you need a password to get in last Tuesday night. At issue was access to a private, anonymous, confidential, what's it to you, cross my heart and hope to die, I won't tell if you won't survey completed by district students and staff regarding the new school lunch menu. The results of the survey have already been leaked to this newspaper by the New York Times.
School Board members convene in a super-duper ultra-secret cone-of-silence session behind cloesd doors in the back room you need a password to enter.
Cafeteria administrators and lunch ladies attending the meeting protested that students and staff who answered the survey were assured that the survey would only be read by the hand that feeds them. "Food preferences are a very personal matter, and Superintendent Scowl swore on a copy of The Joy of Cooking that the results would be as secret as our canned peaches recipe," said 20 year cafeteria veteran Di Gestion. "But we need to know who isn't eating...
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