Steamboat Springs
Kiddy Council Vetoes Public Option, School Nurse Preps Strawberry Soda Elementary For Switch To Privatization
Written by The Pirate Sunday, 04 April 2010
In compliance with the mandate to cut the school district's budget over the next three years, Strawberry Soda Elementary's Kiddy Council has voted to overhaul the school's money-hemorrhaging health care system. "We deemed it unwieldy to allow our students continued free access to the health care they have now," says president Scari Helmutheadski. "We have stemmed the raging tide of funds spent on health care in our school."
Councilperson Slim Angleking elaborates, "Socialized medicine is the enemy of democracy. Our goal is to 'de-socialize' the entire primary education system. God bless America. And Craig, America." One supportive community member, Leslie Hasnokitts, agreed, "We can't be spending taxpayers' money for fourth graders with 'headaches' to get out of class. No more ditching on our dime!"
Parents who wish their children to have private health care coverage may visit the Kiddy Council office in room 103 for an application. Applications will only be printed in English to discourage illegal immigrant children from attending public school and thus saving further taxpayer dollars. The application will screen students' health history for red flags such as broken bones, ear infections, runny nose, and asthma. "This screening process enables us to implement a tiered system that provides monetary rewards for good health, "explains Helmutheadski. "Students who don't have any red flags, have the proper immunization, and can prove that they haven't been...
Add a commentElementary School Musical Banned from Elementary School; Steamboat Grand Welcomes Outlawed Show
Written by Ray Bradbury Sunday, 04 April 2010
Steamboat Springs School District authorities announced that they are banning the student-run and directed play, Elementary School Musical, from appearing at Strawberry Soda Elementary due to objectionable content they deem unsuitable for young students.
"I looked at the script and saw a few rehearsals," said Steamboat Schools Superintendent Shalee Shuningsham. "Boys and girls were dancing and grinding up against each other. The girls were dressed indecently. And they mention drugs and S-E-X at least a few times. It was horrible.
"I don't believe in censorship," she noted after censoring the production, "but there was no way they were going to perform that show at Strawberry Soda Elementary."
Key members of the production were originally saddened by the news, but the Steamboat Grand quickly stepped in provided a venue for the show, which will take place April 8-10, 2010, at the aforementioned Steamboat Grand. Tickets are on sale now at All that Jazz.
"We were pretty shocked and ticked off at first," noted Hank Goodness, a lead actor and co-producer of the show. "But the Grand called us up and even offered us free milk and cookies, so we were like, 'sweet.'"
When asked about the "controversial content," Goodness didn't think any of it was a big deal. "It's a musical--sort of, so how could we not have dancing? People are going to touch each other a little when dancing. As far as the S-E-X stuff, I don't really understand that, so...
Add a commentCode Yellow: S.S.P.P.D. on Patrol
Written by Flo Freely Sunday, 04 April 2010
They say that you don't buy beer, you only rent it. In most cases, renters make their returns appropriately, in an approved porcelain facility. Often, however, heading home after a night out and having rented one too many beers, the world begins to look like one gigantic toilet. In response to the rising tide of public urination in recent months, the Steamboat Springs Police Department has created a new unit to stem the tide of these infractions, the S.S.P.P.D.
There's nothing to see here.
The officers of the S.S.P.P.D., as the new unit will be known, are easily recognizable in their golden yellow uniforms with the white porcelain buttons, which made quite a splash when they were introduced last week. S.S.P.P.D. unit commander, I. P. Strong-Daily, speaking to the media while standing with his legs crossed hopping up and down, said that he has conducted a careful analysis of the information stream and pooled his resources. He then declared a "code yellow" and left the room in a big hurry. When he returned, his oversized coffee mug refilled to the brim, he was much more relaxed and ready to answer more questions.
The S.S.P.P.D. does not want to rely on catching...
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