John Edwards Is A Knee-Dippin' Tree Fairy

Written by Ann Molten Wednesday, 04 April 2007

If there is anything I hate more than not getting my share of the spotlight and the opportunity to pander to the public and make obscene amounts of money spewing venomous half-truths if not outright lies in my column or in books or on the lecture circuit, it is Democrats.  I'm sorry, I can't even bring myself to capitalize that word.  democrats.  Ugh, it makes my taut, pale skin crawl.  And to think that it is so close to the word democracy.  I just want to rip someone's head off and spit down their windpipe. 

Ann MoltenAnn Molten

Well, if for no other reasons than he is articulate and intelligent and sensible with really good hair and reasonable and stands just as good a chance to win the presidency as anyone else and is really cute in bike shorts, I hate John Edwards.  But throw in the fact that he is a democrat and a liberal, oh , wait, all democrats are liberals and live on the beach in Malibu, and I want to rip out his fingernails while he watches "Dancing With The Stars" strapped in an electric chair set on slow cook.  But now I find out that John Edwards is a telemark skier who...

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Reality TV Linked to Increased Stupidity

Written by Paris Hilton Friday, 15 December 2006

Researchers at the Center for the Remarkably Obvious believe they have confirmed a long-standing scientific hypothesis that watching reality television for any extended period of time leads to increased levels of stupidity. According to a research team led by renowned scientist, Professor Tim Withstupid, the evidence is overwhelming and leads no doubt to their conclusion.

"Frankly, we were shocked by the findings," noted Professor Withstupid. "We expected to see some correlation, but what we found was an astounding decrease in brain activity among those who watch more than just a few minutes of reality television. In fact, anyone who watches more than an hour in one given sitting can be officially deemed mentally retarded."

To prove their theory, the research team administered common aptitude tests before, during and after their test subjects watched reality television shows such as Survivor, Road Rules and My Fair Brady, among others. In one case, test scores plummeted 97 percent after watching a full-length episode of Survivor IX: Craig Auto Dump.

In addition, a new reality show created by Steamboat's own Pirate Productions, A Piece of...

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Crazy River Dog Champ Tests Positive for High Testosterone, Blames Snausages

Written by Harry McGruff Friday, 15 December 2006

Scraps, the surprise winner of the 2006 River Dog Championship held in the Yampa River's "P" hole, has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and he has been stripped of his championship collar and collapsible doggy dish prize.

The failed test sample was taken after a dominating performance by Scraps during which he retrieved the Dunkel, a retrieving toy that the competitors refer to as "the funny thing that I just have to have in my mouth right now and bring back super-duper quick to my food supplier," in a Championship record time of 4.2 seconds.

Crazy River Dog Champion Scraps tested positive of elevated testosterone levels. His defense: "I have no balls!"Crazy River Dog Champion Scraps tested positive of elevated testosterone levels. His defense: "I have no balls!"

"Yeah, we couldn't believe that time when he posted it," barked Chopster, the runner-up in the event who will likely be named the new champion. "Don't get me wrong, I was happy for the guy--shoot, I'm happy for everybody at all times, just look at my tail--but that time seemed a little too good."

In his first interview after the announcement of the failed test, Scraps proclaimed his innocence and vowed to vigorously defend his title and good name.

"I just can't believe this. I'm shocked," added Scraps, with a sad puppy-wuppy face. "I just don't understand how I could have tested for high levels of testosterone. I don't even...

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Page 29 of 30


Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

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You can have new content from The Pirate e-mailed to you as a newsletter as soon as it's available. No need to waste time browsing the Internet!

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