John Edwards Is A Knee-Dippin' Tree Fairy
Written by Ann Molten Wednesday, 04 April 2007
If there is anything I hate more than not getting my share of the spotlight and the opportunity to pander to the public and make obscene amounts of money spewing venomous half-truths if not outright lies in my column or in books or on the lecture circuit, it is Democrats. I'm sorry, I can't even bring myself to capitalize that word. democrats. Ugh, it makes my taut, pale skin crawl. And to think that it is so close to the word democracy. I just want to rip someone's head off and spit down their windpipe.
Ann Molten
Well, if for no other reasons than he is articulate and intelligent and sensible with really good hair and reasonable and stands just as good a chance to win the presidency as anyone else and is really cute in bike shorts, I hate John Edwards. But throw in the fact that he is a democrat and a liberal, oh , wait, all democrats are liberals and live on the beach in Malibu, and I want to rip out his fingernails while he watches "Dancing With The Stars" strapped in an electric chair set on slow cook. But now I find out that John Edwards is a telemark skier who...
Add a commentReality TV Linked to Increased Stupidity
Written by Paris Hilton Friday, 15 December 2006
Researchers at the Center for the Remarkably Obvious believe they have confirmed a long-standing scientific hypothesis that watching reality television for any extended period of time leads to increased levels of stupidity. According to a research team led by renowned scientist, Professor Tim Withstupid, the evidence is overwhelming and leads no doubt to their conclusion.
"Frankly, we were shocked by the findings," noted Professor Withstupid. "We expected to see some correlation, but what we found was an astounding decrease in brain activity among those who watch more than just a few minutes of reality television. In fact, anyone who watches more than an hour in one given sitting can be officially deemed mentally retarded."
To prove their theory, the research team administered common aptitude tests before, during and after their test subjects watched reality television shows such as Survivor, Road Rules and My Fair Brady, among others. In one case, test scores plummeted 97 percent after watching a full-length episode of Survivor IX: Craig Auto Dump.
In addition, a new reality show created by Steamboat's own Pirate Productions, A Piece of...
Add a commentCrazy River Dog Champ Tests Positive for High Testosterone, Blames Snausages
Written by Harry McGruff Friday, 15 December 2006
Scraps, the surprise winner of the 2006 River Dog Championship held in the Yampa River's "P" hole, has tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone, and he has been stripped of his championship collar and collapsible doggy dish prize.
The failed test sample was taken after a dominating performance by Scraps during which he retrieved the Dunkel, a retrieving toy that the competitors refer to as "the funny thing that I just have to have in my mouth right now and bring back super-duper quick to my food supplier," in a Championship record time of 4.2 seconds.
Crazy River Dog Champion Scraps tested positive of elevated testosterone levels. His defense: "I have no balls!"
"Yeah, we couldn't believe that time when he posted it," barked Chopster, the runner-up in the event who will likely be named the new champion. "Don't get me wrong, I was happy for the guy--shoot, I'm happy for everybody at all times, just look at my tail--but that time seemed a little too good."
In his first interview after the announcement of the failed test, Scraps proclaimed his innocence and vowed to vigorously defend his title and good name.
"I just can't believe this. I'm shocked," added Scraps, with a sad puppy-wuppy face. "I just don't understand how I could have tested for high levels of testosterone. I don't even...
Add a commentRead more: Crazy River Dog Champ Tests Positive for High Testosterone, Blames Snausages
Page 29 of 30
«StartPrev21222324252627282930NextEnd»
Please wait...