McCain/Palin Introduce New Slogan: "We're Not Smart ... Just Like You"
Written by Mary Hail Tuesday, 11 November 2008
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McCain: "We know you're all a bunch of poorly educated dumbasses, but it's cool, so are we! We can win with a coalition of the unknowing!"
"Fellow Americans, I know that it has appeared that my campaign has gone a little wacky lately," said McCain from one of his mansions in Arizona. "I've been throwing out gimmicks and 'game changers' and bizarre running-mate picks. And I've been saying just about anything that might win me some points with the ill-informed voters, regardless of truth or honesty.
"But now I'm suspending my campaign of all lies and distractions, my friends, and I'm going to deliver some honest truth: I'm not a very bright man ... I was nearly last in my class at the academy ... And I don't really care that I don't know much about the modern world ... And don't get me started on Sarah Palin--we all know what an airhead she is," he continued.
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Unknown Hockey Mom Chosen to Run Concession Stand
Written by Frank Comment Tuesday, 11 November 2008
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Lynn is only in his first year as a team member, and a lot of the kids don't really know him or his mother. The choice to be the "second in command" of concessions was greeted by sneers and cheers when announced between the first and second period of the recent pre-season match-up against the Vail Vomits.
Hockey Club President Mike Kane ignited controversy when he surprisingly selected Paul Lynn's mother to be his "running mate" for the rink's concession stand.
One of the players, longtime defenseman Otto Corners, was furious. "My mom has been to every game, believes in hockey and knows her Skittles from her Reese's Pieces," he fumed. "He just picked her because she's relatively hot--for an old mom-type lady."
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Modern Medical Miracle Monday: Help For The Unhip
Written by Dick Swett Friday, 04 April 2008
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In a packed conference room at the Ski Town Medical Center on a gorgeous late winter day, Director of Public Outreach and Patient Inreach Pristine McGillicutty stepped up to the podium, looking stunning, and stunned the audience with a stunning announcement.
"S.T.M.C. has long been a leader in cutting edge surgical procedures. Today, we are pleased to announce the successful completion of the world's first hipness replacement. Now, for the first time, aging ski bums who have settled into a somewhat humdrum existence as teachers, lawyers and real estate brokers can restore the spark of days gone by with this simple yet complex operation. Now, I'd like to introduce the chief surgeon on our hipness replacement team, Dr. Ken U. Diggitt. Dr. Diggett." "Thank you, Pristine. At this time, we'd like to open up the floor for questions. Yes, the gentleman with the tacky combover."
Dr. Diggitt and his surgical team work to replace the hipness of a middle-aged ski bum.
Question: What can you tell us about this first hipness replacement patient?
Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Well, the patient is male, mid-fifties, who came to town thirty years ago to ski. He worked in restaurants and as a ski rental tech and went out to the bars 365 nights a year. At...
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- John Edwards Is A Knee-Dippin' Tree Fairy
- Reality TV Linked to Increased Stupidity
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