McCain/Palin Introduce New Slogan: "We're Not Smart ... Just Like You"

•Written by Mary Hail• ••Tuesday•, 11 •November• 2008•

In a move hoped to reinvigorate the McCain/Palin campaign, it appears that the presidential hopeful is back aboard the "Straight Talk Express."

McCain: "We know you're all a bunch of poorly educated dumbasses, but it's cool, so are we! We can win with a coalition of the unknowing!"McCain: "We know you're all a bunch of poorly educated dumbasses, but it's cool, so are we! We can win with a coalition of the unknowing!"

"Fellow Americans, I know that it has appeared that my campaign has gone a little wacky lately," said McCain from one of his mansions in Arizona. "I've been throwing out gimmicks and 'game changers' and bizarre running-mate picks. And I've been saying just about anything that might win me some points with the ill-informed voters, regardless of truth or honesty.

"But now I'm suspending my campaign of all lies and distractions, my friends, and I'm going to deliver some honest truth: I'm not a very bright man ... I was nearly last in my class at the academy ... And I don't really care that I don't know much about the modern world ... And don't get me started on Sarah Palin--we all know what an airhead she is," he continued.

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Unknown Hockey Mom Chosen to Run Concession Stand

•Written by Frank Comment• ••Tuesday•, 11 •November• 2008•

Longtime Steamboat Sailor Hockey Club President Mike Kane made a controversial, "mavericky" choice to run the rink's concession stand this year, selecting Paul Lynn's mother, Angela, to be in charge of the confection area at Sailor hockey games this year.

Lynn is only in his first year as a team member, and a lot of the kids don't really know him or his mother. The choice to be the "second in command" of concessions was greeted by sneers and cheers when announced between the first and second period of the recent pre-season match-up against the Vail Vomits.

Hockey Club President Mike Kane ignited controversy when he surprisingly selected Paul Lynn's mother to be his "running mate" for the rink's concession stand. Hockey Club President Mike Kane ignited controversy when he surprisingly selected Paul Lynn's mother to be his "running mate" for the rink's concession stand.

One of the players, longtime defenseman Otto Corners, was furious. "My mom has been to every game, believes in hockey and knows her Skittles from her Reese's Pieces," he fumed. "He just picked her because she's relatively hot--for an old mom-type lady."

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Modern Medical Miracle Monday: Help For The Unhip

•Written by Dick Swett• ••Friday•, 04 •April• 2008•

In a packed conference room at the Ski Town Medical Center on a gorgeous late winter day, Director of Public Outreach and Patient Inreach Pristine McGillicutty stepped up to the podium, looking stunning, and stunned the audience with a stunning announcement. 

"S.T.M.C. has long been a leader in cutting edge surgical procedures.  Today, we are pleased to announce the successful completion of the world's first hipness replacement.  Now, for the first time, aging ski bums who have settled into a somewhat humdrum existence as teachers, lawyers and real estate brokers can restore the spark of days gone by with this simple yet complex operation.  Now, I'd like to introduce the chief surgeon on our hipness replacement team, Dr. Ken U. Diggitt.  Dr. Diggett."  "Thank you, Pristine.  At this time, we'd like to open up the floor for questions.  Yes, the gentleman with the tacky combover."

Dr. Diggitt and his surgical team work to replace the hipness of a middle-aged ski bum.Dr. Diggitt and his surgical team work to replace the hipness of a middle-aged ski bum.

Question: What can you tell us about this first hipness replacement patient?

Dr. Ken U. Diggitt: Well, the patient is male, mid-fifties, who came to town thirty years ago to ski.  He worked in restaurants and as a ski rental tech and went out to the bars 365 nights a year.  At...

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

Enter Amount:

Subscribe to The Pirate RSS Feed

Click the image below and get tickets for The End of the Boat as We Know It

Subscribe to The Pirate

You can have new content from The Pirate e-mailed to you as a newsletter as soon as it's available. No need to waste time browsing the Internet!

The Pirate will find you!

If you only want the "main" Pirate, select Global Pirate below.



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      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 54
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1
  36. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  37. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  38. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  39. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  40. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  41. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  42. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 44
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1

•0 legacy queries logged•

    •Language Files Loaded•

    •Untranslated Strings Diagnostic•

    GLOBAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    

    •Untranslated Strings Designer•

    
    # ??Unknown file??
    
    GLOBAL PIRATE=Global Pirate
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE=Steamboat Springs Local Pirate