Bush Sending Surge to Rainbow Gathering

Written by Wendy Willhistermbeover Wednesday, 04 April 2007

In response to increased tensions and provocations between U.S. National Forest Service Rangers and Rainbow Gathering members, President George W. Bush has announced a new "surge" policy that will temporarily increase the numbers of Forest Service men and women in North Routt County.

President George W. Bush will send in additional Forest Service Rangers to crush the Rainbow Gathering insurgency.President George W. Bush will send in additional Forest Service Rangers to crush the Rainbow Gathering insurgency.

"My fellow citizens, I know this is an unpopular conflict," said Bush. "But we have to stand firm in our resolve or ... or ... or them hippies are gonna win. And I'm not a loser. You hear me? I am NOT a loser. I win wars. I win elections. I'm a WINNER. My brother's the loser, not me, daddy!!! Quit calling me a loser!!!!!"

After a brief moment of awkward silence, Bush continued. "Whew. Guess I 'lost it' a little, huh? Anyway, the people of Routt County can be assured that I'm going to do everything I can to win this battle against these insurgents. You see, it's a...

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Father of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Determined

Written by Carmen "Baby" Lightmyfire Wednesday, 04 April 2007

The mystery over who is the father of former stripper, Playboy Cover Girl, reality TV star and now dead heiress Anna Nicole Smith's five month old daughter is over.  When baby Dannielynn began cooing "ob-la-di, ob-la-da" from her crib,  all eyes turned to legendary sound man and rock burnout Rocky Balzearo, who was covering the custody hearings for Pirate News.

Rock burnout Rocky Balearo was found to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's newest child.Rock burnout Rocky Balearo was found to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's newest child.

Mr. Balzearo at first denied being the baby's father.  "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself," he said.  Mr. Balzearo was obviously bothered by the crush of reporters who surrounded him, saying, "Please don't stand so close to me."  He hesitated to undergo DNA testing, protesting, "I'm not a number. Dammit, I'm a man."  When it was affirmed that Mr. Balzearo was sound technician for the Skinemax special, "Anna Nicole and the Seven Dwarfs," filmed in late 2005, nine months before baby Dannielynn's birth and witnesses attested to the fact that Mr. Balzearo and Miss Smith were often seen together on and off the set, Mr. Balzearo...

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Many Men Like Breasts, Study Reveals

Written by Emerson Bigguns, Pirate Science Reporter Wednesday, 04 April 2007

A recently completed scientific study bared some startling statistics regarding male preferences. Dr. David Coppafeel of the Maidenform University Male Studies Institute (MUMSI), who conducted the hands-on study, said two big things really popped out at him. One was the huge turnout of applicants for the study. The second was the diversity of the results.

Dr. Coppafeel said that the subjects of the study ranged in age from 14 to 94 and represented every known race, religion, ethnicity, social and economic class, country, territory and local sports franchise on earth. The subjects were exposed to stimuli from movies, television, videos, magazines, books, calendars and fast food restaurants.

Thirty-six percent of the men studied responded most positively to stimuli relating to the human female breast. Twenty-four percent responded most positively to stimuli relating to the female legs and buttocks. Thirty-six percent preferred fast cars and French fries. The remaining four percent were classified as "hard to please."  The...

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Page 28 of 30


Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

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