Bush Sending Surge to Rainbow Gathering
Written by Wendy Willhistermbeover Wednesday, 04 April 2007
In response to increased tensions and provocations between U.S. National Forest Service Rangers and Rainbow Gathering members, President George W. Bush has announced a new "surge" policy that will temporarily increase the numbers of Forest Service men and women in North Routt County.
"My fellow citizens, I know this is an unpopular conflict," said Bush. "But we have to stand firm in our resolve or ... or ... or them hippies are gonna win. And I'm not a loser. You hear me? I am NOT a loser. I win wars. I win elections. I'm a WINNER. My brother's the loser, not me, daddy!!! Quit calling me a loser!!!!!"
After a brief moment of awkward silence, Bush continued. "Whew. Guess I 'lost it' a little, huh? Anyway, the people of Routt County can be assured that I'm going to do everything I can to win this battle against these insurgents. You see, it's a...
Add a commentFather of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby Determined
Written by Carmen "Baby" Lightmyfire Wednesday, 04 April 2007
The mystery over who is the father of former stripper, Playboy Cover Girl, reality TV star and now dead heiress Anna Nicole Smith's five month old daughter is over. When baby Dannielynn began cooing "ob-la-di, ob-la-da" from her crib, all eyes turned to legendary sound man and rock burnout Rocky Balzearo, who was covering the custody hearings for Pirate News.
Mr. Balzearo at first denied being the baby's father. "Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself," he said. Mr. Balzearo was obviously bothered by the crush of reporters who surrounded him, saying, "Please don't stand so close to me." He hesitated to undergo DNA testing, protesting, "I'm not a number. Dammit, I'm a man." When it was affirmed that Mr. Balzearo was sound technician for the Skinemax special, "Anna Nicole and the Seven Dwarfs," filmed in late 2005, nine months before baby Dannielynn's birth and witnesses attested to the fact that Mr. Balzearo and Miss Smith were often seen together on and off the set, Mr. Balzearo...
Add a commentMany Men Like Breasts, Study Reveals
Written by Emerson Bigguns, Pirate Science Reporter Wednesday, 04 April 2007
A recently completed scientific study bared some startling statistics regarding male preferences. Dr. David Coppafeel of the Maidenform University Male Studies Institute (MUMSI), who conducted the hands-on study, said two big things really popped out at him. One was the huge turnout of applicants for the study. The second was the diversity of the results.
Dr. Coppafeel said that the subjects of the study ranged in age from 14 to 94 and represented every known race, religion, ethnicity, social and economic class, country, territory and local sports franchise on earth. The subjects were exposed to stimuli from movies, television, videos, magazines, books, calendars and fast food restaurants.
Thirty-six percent of the men studied responded most positively to stimuli relating to the human female breast. Twenty-four percent responded most positively to stimuli relating to the female legs and buttocks. Thirty-six percent preferred fast cars and French fries. The remaining four percent were classified as "hard to please." The...
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