Colorado Jones and the End of the Boat as We Know It

•Written by The Pirate• ••Sunday•, 01 •February• 2015•

 

Act 1 

 

Act 2

 

 

 

Goodell Clarifies New NFL Policy: No Suspensions for Beating Yourself

•Written by Jack Hoff• ••Thursday•, 29 •January• 2015•

Embattled NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference to elaborate on a confusing portion of the league's new abuse policies.

To help spread awareness of new policies on self-flagellation, the NFL will be providing t-shirts, bumper stickers, pins and posters to all NFL teams and players with the league's new slogan.To help spread awareness of new policies on self-flagellation, the NFL will be providing t-shirts, bumper stickers, pins and posters to all NFL teams and players with the league's new slogan.

"To be clear, it is definitely NOT OK to beat any other member of your family, or strangers or any other person or even animal," said Goodell. "But there will NOT be ANY suspensions or penalties levied for beating yourself. We had a lot of questions about that, as it's apparently highly practiced throughout our league. Although some religions, parents and others frown on the practice, it is not illegal in the NFL. You may or may not go blind, but taking that risk is up to the individual."

Goodell hopes the NFL can be a leading example for other sporting leagues and communities in specifying the difference between beating on others and beating on yourself.

"We're proud of our new policy and awareness campaign," added Goodell. "And this is an issue that pertains to women as well as men, as studies show that women are just as likely as men to 'beat themselves,' although the mechanics and terminology often are different."

•Add a comment•

Secret Downtown Parking Study Will Continue to Seek Funding, Find No Answers

•Written by Carson DaStreet• ••Friday•, 21 •November• 2014•

The average Steamboat Springs motorist, who does not want to park more than 20 feet from their destination, has been growing ever more frustrated by the difficulty incurred trying to find these prime parking places. Now there is hope for finding a solution, according to Steamboat Springs Director of Transportation, Manny Mustbekidding.

n expensive parking consultant promised to reveal the findings of their study as soon as Steamboat pays them a big pile of money.n expensive parking consultant promised to reveal the findings of their study as soon as Steamboat pays them a big pile of money.

At a morning news conference at City Hall, Mustbekidding told reporters and members of the public about an "ongoing, long-term parking study that will prove, once and for all, that we actually appear to be doing something about this problem." A hush fell over the expectant gathering. "For the last 22 years, the reputable Durango-based firm Suburban Explorer has sent 387 of their most- trusted agents into Downtown Steamboat Springs every morning in vehicles ranging from Subarus to SUVs to UPS trucks, to study the availability of parking and the effect of double-parking on traffic."

Mustbekidding quieted the loudly laughing audience, then...

•Add a comment•

•Read more: Secret Downtown Parking Study Will Continue to Seek Funding, Find No Answers•

 

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

Enter Amount:

Subscribe to The Pirate RSS Feed

Click the image below and get tickets for The End of the Boat as We Know It

Subscribe to The Pirate

You can have new content from The Pirate e-mailed to you as a newsletter as soon as it's available. No need to waste time browsing the Internet!

The Pirate will find you!

If you only want the "main" Pirate, select Global Pirate below.



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    # ??Unknown file??
    
    GLOBAL PIRATE=Global Pirate
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE=Steamboat Springs Local Pirate