North Korea's Supreme Leader Cancels Playdate with Neighbor, Won't Answer Tin-Can Phone

Written by Kim Kardashi-un Monday, 11 March 2013

Frustrated by repeated outbursts that were considered "showing off" and "disrespectful," the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, canceled his weekly playdate with a neighbor boy, Ri Yong-ho, who lives just south of Kim Jong-un's massive Ryongsong Residence palace complex in Pyongyang.North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, refuses to answer the tin-can phone he once shared with his southern neighbor, Ri Yong-ho, citing his former friend's jealousy of his "god-ness" as the deteriorating factor.North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, refuses to answer the tin-can phone he once shared with his southern neighbor, Ri Yong-ho, citing his former friend's jealousy of his "god-ness" as the deteriorating factor.

The Yong-ho family has provided playdates with leaders of North Korea since 1953, but it has been widely reported that the Supreme Leader, estimated to be 30 years old, now won't play Cowboys and Indians or Kick the Can with 12-year-old Yong-ho anymore. To add further insult to the trashed friendship, Kim Jong-un won't even answer the tin-can phone attached to a string that the young men had used for years to communicate the latest potential game of Connect Four or guess at which of the neighboring girls have "cooties" or not.

"I'm not speaking with him no more," said Jong-un from his throne of platinum and ivory tusks shaped to his likeness. "He was acting all like a big-shot and stuff, telling me how he beat me at jacks, when he knows full well the Supreme Leaders never lose at anything, especially Jacks, which I'm awesome at...

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'I Dare Obama to Try and Take Away My Snowballs!'

Written by Chillie Palmer Monday, 28 January 2013

Sparked by a rumor heard on the elementary school playgrounds, eight-year-old snowball-rights activist Pepper Neighbors has spent most of her free time between ballet classes and freeze tag amassing a huge arsenal of snowballs in her "Snowmageddon Bunker."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."

"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."

After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.

"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are...

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NRA Proposes Breakable-Glass-Encased "Emergency Assault Rifles" in Every Hallway

Written by A.J. Fourtyseven Wednesday, 23 January 2013

The National Rifleman's Association (NRA) has countered President Barack Obama's gun-safety measures with a proposal of its own: "Emergency Assault Rifles" (EARs) in breakable-glass cases placed in the hallways of every school, university, post office, stadium, building, restaurant, bar and house--any place that such an EAR can fit.The NRA's latest proposal to curb gun violence features putting loaded "Emergency Assault Rifles" in every building, including elementary schools, where the red boxes with breakable-glass-encased weapons would be placed low enough for seven-year-olds to reach them, ensuring their security.The NRA's latest proposal to curb gun violence features putting loaded "Emergency Assault Rifles" in every building, including elementary schools, where the red boxes with breakable-glass-encased weapons would be placed low enough for seven-year-olds to reach them, ensuring their security.

"We've listened to the gun manufacturers, and based on their input, we believe this is the best solution to the terrible problem of not enough armed civilians using guns to take care of disturbances on their own," said Wayne LeWhatever, NRA executive vice president. "We realized that paying for several armed guards in every building across America would be overly expensive, so the portable EAR solved all of those cost issues. Schools and offices only need to pay for several of the breakable-glass-cased EARs upfront, and there no longer are any costs involved after that--except for possibly an annual training class so all of the employees and students can learn how to operate an assault...

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

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