Republican Leaders Urging All Its Candidates to Sign 'I Will Never Say the Word 'Rape' Under Any Circumstances' Pledge
Written by Tank Myparty Friday, 26 October 2012
To quell the bleeding from the latest of several negatively received comments about rape and how it may have some sort of "upside" in certain circumstances, GOP leaders are circulating a pledge and demanding that all of its candidates sign the document.
Part of the document reads, "I pledge that under no circumstances will I ever use the word 'rape' in any form, context or situation. I won't even say it amongst close friends, as you never know who has a hidden camera. Any time I even think of the word 'rape' in my head, after signing this document, I will bite one of my fingers so hard that it makes my eyes water and the word disappears from my brain, and all I think about is the harmless, intense pain in my digit."
The pledge was written by Grover Norquist, who is famous for writing the No Tax Pledge which most Republican lawmakers and candidates have signed.
"It's my theory that Republicans simply need a public declaration to keep them from doing something harmful to themselves and our party, marital fidelity excluded, of course, but...Add a comment
NFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party
Written by Joe Powerless Thursday, 20 September 2012
Citing the lack of controversy and ease with which they locked out their referees who asked for their retirement pension to remain active, NFL owners moved yesterday to lockout their entire workforce of concession workers who, according to one owner, "were getting greedy, too."
Among the soda and beer pourers demands was a reinstatement of a group holiday party in December, hosted by each owner and team. Owners are insisting that the once-common practice be dropped to save them five to 10 thousand dollars annually, depending on whether the party was "open bar" or not.
"Holiday parties, like pension plans, are a relic of the past," said NFL owner mouthpiece and league commissioner Roger Greedwell. "Who does that anymore?"
Greedwell admitted that NFL owners are making bajillions of dollars from their teams, but countered that because many sectors of the modern economy are suffering and demanding cutbacks from existing employees, the NFL owners should do the same on principle.
"Our owners need to stand united with the other owners of the world," continued Greedwell. "If other owners are reducing paychecks, cutting healthcare benefits and taking away things like pensions and holiday parties, then we need to...Add a comment
Written by Connie Taminated Tuesday, 04 September 2012
Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stuck to his stump speech when his "Believe in America" bus tour made a second stop in Craig yesterday.
"Since I have been here last, I still have not developed any constructive policies for America," said Romney. "However, my promise, for the second time, to the people of Craig America, is that I will repeal Obamacare on day one."
Despite the Supreme Court ruling led by Justice John Roberts, Romney went on to say, "Obamacare is just bad law. You can never trust the opinion of someone who went to Harvard."
Although this brought a rousing cheer from his supporters, it was nothing like the response his next announcement garnered. After some folksy patter with the crowd to establish credibility as just another blue-collar denizen of the rural Western Slope, Romney moved past the "local flattery" portion of his visit and added an addendum not previously heard on the tour.
"Although I am on board with the GOP effort to stamp out Socialism, especially when it comes in Obama's African-"American" package, I pledge to provide...Add a comment
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