Written by Lala Icanthearyou Sunday, 22 July 2012
After a long day of reading government briefs on health care and campaign donations, the U.S. Supreme Court decided to unwind in its chambers, order some takeout and watch a little TV. However, some members of the constantly losing side became unhinged when the court voted 5-4 to again order Bar-B-Q and watch reruns of American Dad!
"I'm not sure how much more of this I can take," noted perennial loser Sonia Sotomayor. "Those of us appointed by Democrat presidents just wanted to, for once, get control of the TV and watch Family Guy, but the usual gang of Republican mouthpieces ruled that the Family Guy creators are too liberal and the show promotes too many San Francisco values, whatever that means. Of course, I tried to tell them that Seth MacFarlane created and writes for both shows, but they just laughed and said that was ridiculous. I even opened up the Wikipedia pages to show them, but none of those conservatives will ever touch a computer, except for Roberts, who just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'what can I do?'"
The contentious air increased when...Add a comment
Written by Wes Paul Tuesday, 03 July 2012
Shortly after watching LeBron James win an NBA championship with the Miami Heat, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, after 17 years of toiling away futilely in Cleveland, announced that it would be relocating in Miami immediately in order to "get what I deserve."
Kicking off an elaborate press event known as "The Rockcision," the museum, now going by the acronym RARHOFM, announced to interviewer Jim Gray that "I'm taking my talented musicians to South Beach," which is celebrity-speak for "Fu@k You, Cleveland, I'm moving to Miami."
RARHOFM explained that after watching LeBron James bail on Cleveland for a better team and better location, and seeing that within two years he received the championship, recognition and glory that he long sought, but didn't find, in Cleveland, that these were the footsteps the museum needed to follow.
"LeBron was the pioneer," added RARHOFM. "He was Cleveland, more than any other icon, including myself--even more than Drew Carey. And if he could realize that...Add a comment
Written by Hope Fading Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Intending to show America the direction he intends to take the country if re-elected, President Obama unveiled a brand new slogan that will appear on TV commercials, buttons, bumper stickers and campaign stops: That-O-Way.
"It's something that immediately lets the country know, in specific and concrete terms, where he wants to lead the United States," said Him Messiah, Obama's campaign manager. "He doesn't want to take the country sideways, into France, as his opponents would like you to believe. And he certainly doesn't want to take it 'over yonder,' as that just sounds stupid, like something George W. would've said. He's going to take the country ... That-O-Way."
The new slogan was introduced after the last new slogan, "Forward," was painted by his opponents as a code for "Socialism."
"We're still not sure how the word 'Forward' can be construed as negative," added Messiah, "but if there's one thing Republicans can do, is get a label to stick to something. Ask John Kerry. On the bright side, it seems Romney and the rest are so reflexively for the opposite of...Add a comment
- The Pirate Passes One-Year Milestone, Big-Ass Kidney Stone
- Romney Promises to No Longer Remove Hair/Dignity of those Not as Awesome as Himself
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- Following Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College
- Hasbeen Announces New Line of Republican Candidate Toys
- Nickelback Launches Twitter Attacks on Negative Criticism, No Longer Has Time to Make Music
- LGBT Numbers Increasing, Study Cites Pandora as Leading Cause
- Cruise Liners Long for Glory Days as Lame, Non-Experience for Old People
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