B-Squared: The Metrosexual Realtors

Written by The Pirate Wednesday, 01 May 2013

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Jordan Guarantees He'll Finish with More Rings than LeBron: 'I'll Get Married as Many Times as I Have To'

Written by Phil Crackson Monday, 15 April 2013

Legendary basketball player and failed basketball executive and owner Michael Jordan, upon hearing of LeBron James' recent engagement to long-time girlfriend Savannah Brinson, insinuated that James was merely trying to upstage him after he had announced his own engagement to Cuban model Yvette Prieto.Michael Jordan was photographed showing off his latest "unbeatable" ring collection of six NBA championship rings, two wedding rings and something on a chain he won in a poker game from "some short Baggins dude with big furry feet."Michael Jordan was photographed showing off his latest "unbeatable" ring collection of six NBA championship rings, two wedding rings and something on a chain he won in a poker game from "some short Baggins dude with big furry feet."

"I see what he's up to," noted Jordan between $50,000 hands of blackjack at the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas. "He finally gets an NBA championship, and he's coming after me. He sees that I'm getting married, upping my ring total to eight, and he's trying to get his up to two to stay competitive. But it ain't happening. I'll get married as many times as it takes. He'll never have more rings than me, no matter what he does."

Asked to clarify his ring total, as Jordan currently owns six NBA championship rings and isn't likely to earn another in this lifetime, Jordan noted that wedding rings count, as they're at least as expensive as winning an NBA title or purchasing an entire NBA team.

"It's not the ring that's expensive, of course," admitted Jordan. "But the wife upkeep and divorce settlement...

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Last Remaining Herd of Wild Snowmobiles Spotted near Hahn's Peak

Written by Howdy Westwaswon Monday, 01 April 2013

In a sight that was breathtaking to see in its beauty and yet sad in its nostalgia for a "simpler" time, the last-known herd of free-range snowmobiles was briefly spotted in February charging across Steamboat Lake. It's believed the elusive wild pack was heading from Sand Mountain to Hahn's Peak to frolic in the fresh tracks there and hunt for dwindling sources of wild fossil fuels.An incredibly rare photograph was taken near Steamboat Lake of the world's last remaining herd of wild snowmobiles.An incredibly rare photograph was taken near Steamboat Lake of the world's last remaining herd of wild snowmobiles.

"It brought a tear to my eye, I can tell you that," said Josey Gales, an 85-year-old North Routt local and regular patron at Hahn's Peak Cathouse, a domesticated snowmobile outfitter and brothel in the area. "I've heard rumors of this 'lost herd,' but I never thought I'd actually see them. When they were gunning it, easily past 60 miles an hour, and so free and unencumbered of men, it reminded me of how the west used to be, when wild snowmobiles roamed all over these parts."

Gales lamented the lost 'wildness' no longer found in the modern era.

"Why does there have to be so much 'progress'?" added Gales, his eyes misting. "Now there's roads everywhere, and schools and healthcare facilities and such. I remember, in the good old days, there'd be nothing out here except the cold snows and a trusty 370-cc Polaris Colt 150 between your legs. And gas was free, just like our souls.

"Now there's all them tourist homos on their 500-pound behemoths with mirrors and hand warmers. Groomed trails and warming huts. It's sad," added Gales. "Where was I going with this?"

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