Congress Avoids Fiscal Cliff, Awaits Upcoming Battle over Fiscal F*ck You
Written by Winnie Willitend Monday, 07 January 2013
In a deadline deal to avoid universal tax increases and deep
budget cuts, the U.S. Congress passed legislation to avoid the
so-called "fiscal cliff." However, several contested issues were
merely postponed, and a February deadline looms over the U.S. debt
ceiling and massive budget cuts that should be more venomously
contested than this last debacle.
Although Congressional leaders barely avoided going over the fiscal cliff, a new and more contested battle is expected over how to deal with the upcoming fiscal f*ck you.
"I know we just passed this fiscal cliff legislation," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "But the next battle, in just two months, is going to be even nastier, so we need a really dramatic name for it. I'm calling it the 'fiscal f*ck you.'"
Reid explained that he locked in on the new name shortly after U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner recently and publicly instructed Reid to "go f*ck yourself" ... twice to avoid any misinterpretation.
Reid further explained that before Boehner's comments, he considered naming the upcoming battle the "fiscal Armageddon" or "fiscal apocalypse" in honor of the Mayan misunderstanding on December 21, but now he's certain that "fiscal f*ck you" is the right term for what lies ahead.
"The fiscal cliff was just Tiddly Winks compared to the upcoming fight on the debt...
Add a commentRead more: Congress Avoids Fiscal Cliff, Awaits Upcoming Battle over Fiscal F*ck You
Jesus Returns to Thank Fox News for Rallying Against 'War on Christmas'
Written by Nate Tivity Sunday, 16 December 2012
Several dozen worshippers at Holy Name church in Kittypawpaw,
Miss., were shocked when its previously plastic, life-sized "Jesus
on the Cross" became animated with The Savior, who stepped down
from his perch to address the congregation.
To the disappointment of Jehovah's Witness members (top), Jesus Christ returned to Earth (bottom) simply to give props to Fox News' coverage of the "War on Christmas" and not to confirm the religious group's theory that he would exterminate the rest of mankind.
"First of all, I hope I didn't freak anyone out too bad by showing up here and occupying this statue," said Jesus Hank Christ of Bethlehem, Palestine. "But as my big day nears, I couldn't stand by and watch any longer without speaking my mind. So I came down here to Earth to give a 'shout out' to all the television personalities at Fox News. Their annual crusade against those fighting the War on Christmas really symbolizes everything that I stand for, and I wanted that message to get back to them. Wait. I shouldn't use the word crusade. Let's change that to their annual witch hunt. Yes, that's better."
Christ added that he's sorry he hasn't stepped in to stop all the actual wars that have been committed worldwide, some admittedly in his name, but he felt that humans needed to work that out themselves, and that they'd never learn if he just did...
Add a commentRead more: Jesus Returns to Thank Fox News for Rallying Against 'War on Christmas'
Mars Rover Loses 'America's Got Talent' Final to Dog Rover Whose Bark Sorta Sounds Like 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'
Written by Mary Canculture Sunday, 02 December 2012
In a surprising blowout finale, Mars Rover Curiosity, the NASA
robot that traveled 350 million miles to the planet Mars, descended
through the atmosphere at 3.6 miles per second, landed 1.5 miles
from its exact intended destination and then has proceeded to take
samples, measurements and photographs of an entirely different
planet, lost convincingly to "Rover," a four-year-old Pekingese who
can make a barking noise that somewhat resembles Baha Men's classic
line "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
In the eyes of the American reality TV-watching voter, NASA's Mars Rover Curiosity (left) and its interplanetary space travel couldn't compete with Rover (right), a dog whose bark was somewhat similar to an annoying and overplayed pop-culture phenomenon.
"Although I have respect for what the Mars Rover has done, and it's certainly cool in a 'sciency' kind of way, it just couldn't compete with the God-given talent that Rover displayed for our audience worldwide," said Howie Mandel, a judge initially famous for inflating a plastic glove on his head. "The first time I heard that distinctive bark, perfectly timed to the background music, it was over for me. Rover has what it takes to be a celebrity icon in this country, and some 'whiz-bang' mechanical vacuum cleaner just can't compete with that kind of star power."
NASA scientists were obviously...
Add a commentMore Articles...
- Republicans Vow to Limit Obama to 'Two-Term President'
- Republican Leaders Urging All Its Candidates to Sign 'I Will Never Say the Word 'Rape' Under Any Circumstances' Pledge
- NFL Owners Locking Out 'Greedy' Concession Workers who Demanded Reinstatement of Annual Holiday Party
- Romney Trashes Obamacare, Presents Plan to Provide Health Care Coverage for Frackers
- Pirate Theatre Stepping Up Its Game: Latest Show Heading to Outdoor Stage and then ... Boulder?
- Lodgepole Pines Crossbred with Kandy Kush Found Resistant to Pine Beetles
- By Standard 5-4 Margin, Supreme Court Decides to Order Bar-B-Q, Watch American Dad!
- Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Leaving Cleveland, 'Taking Its Talented Musicians to South Beach'
Page 4 of 23
«StartPrev12345678910NextEnd»
Please wait...