'I Dare Obama to Try and Take Away My Snowballs!'
Written by Chillie Palmer Monday, 28 January 2013
Sparked by a rumor heard on the elementary school playgrounds,
eight-year-old snowball-rights activist Pepper Neighbors has spent
most of her free time between ballet classes and freeze tag
amassing a huge arsenal of snowballs in her "Snowmageddon
Bunker."
Pepper Neighbors, a second-grade student in Colorado and third-cousin-removed to Charlton Heston, had one thing to say to President Obama should he try and take away her snowballs: "You'll have to pry my snowballs from my cold, numb hands."
"I heard from Tommy that Obama did some president stuff and was now coming to take away my snowballs," noted Neighbors. "And Tommy is in fourth grade, so he knows about these things. But I love my snowballs, and I'll never let Obama take away my secondary manendment right to have a huge pile of them and throw them at stuff."
After witnessing Ms. Neighbors compiling hundreds of snowballs in her five-foot-tall snow fort, a neighbor and snowball-control proponent Marty Pooper reported the activity to her parents.
"Why does anyone need to have that many snowballs?" asked Pooper, after returning from a neighborhood party that he apparently wasn't invited to. "Isn't, say, 10 snowballs enough to keep the stray dogs away or have a snowball fight with your friends? I really think her parents are...
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NRA Proposes Breakable-Glass-Encased "Emergency Assault Rifles" in Every Hallway
Written by A.J. Fourtyseven Wednesday, 23 January 2013
The National Rifleman's Association (NRA) has countered
President Barack Obama's gun-safety measures with a proposal of its
own: "Emergency Assault Rifles" (EARs) in breakable-glass cases
placed in the hallways of every school, university, post office,
stadium, building, restaurant, bar and house--any place that such
an EAR can fit.
The NRA's latest proposal to curb gun violence features putting loaded "Emergency Assault Rifles" in every building, including elementary schools, where the red boxes with breakable-glass-encased weapons would be placed low enough for seven-year-olds to reach them, ensuring their security.
"We've listened to the gun manufacturers, and based on their input, we believe this is the best solution to the terrible problem of not enough armed civilians using guns to take care of disturbances on their own," said Wayne LeWhatever, NRA executive vice president. "We realized that paying for several armed guards in every building across America would be overly expensive, so the portable EAR solved all of those cost issues. Schools and offices only need to pay for several of the breakable-glass-cased EARs upfront, and there no longer are any costs involved after that--except for possibly an annual training class so all of the employees and students can learn how to operate an assault...
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Congress Avoids Fiscal Cliff, Awaits Upcoming Battle over Fiscal F*ck You
Written by Winnie Willitend Monday, 07 January 2013
In a deadline deal to avoid universal tax increases and deep
budget cuts, the U.S. Congress passed legislation to avoid the
so-called "fiscal cliff." However, several contested issues were
merely postponed, and a February deadline looms over the U.S. debt
ceiling and massive budget cuts that should be more venomously
contested than this last debacle.
Although Congressional leaders barely avoided going over the fiscal cliff, a new and more contested battle is expected over how to deal with the upcoming fiscal f*ck you.
"I know we just passed this fiscal cliff legislation," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. "But the next battle, in just two months, is going to be even nastier, so we need a really dramatic name for it. I'm calling it the 'fiscal f*ck you.'"
Reid explained that he locked in on the new name shortly after U.S. House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner recently and publicly instructed Reid to "go f*ck yourself" ... twice to avoid any misinterpretation.
Reid further explained that before Boehner's comments, he considered naming the upcoming battle the "fiscal Armageddon" or "fiscal apocalypse" in honor of the Mayan misunderstanding on December 21, but now he's certain that "fiscal f*ck you" is the right term for what lies ahead.
"The fiscal cliff was just Tiddly Winks compared to the upcoming fight on the debt...
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