Jesus Returns to Thank Fox News for Rallying Against 'War on Christmas'
Written by Nate Tivity Sunday, 16 December 2012
Several dozen worshippers at Holy Name church in Kittypawpaw,
Miss., were shocked when its previously plastic, life-sized "Jesus
on the Cross" became animated with The Savior, who stepped down
from his perch to address the congregation.
To the disappointment of Jehovah's Witness members (top), Jesus Christ returned to Earth (bottom) simply to give props to Fox News' coverage of the "War on Christmas" and not to confirm the religious group's theory that he would exterminate the rest of mankind.
"First of all, I hope I didn't freak anyone out too bad by showing up here and occupying this statue," said Jesus Hank Christ of Bethlehem, Palestine. "But as my big day nears, I couldn't stand by and watch any longer without speaking my mind. So I came down here to Earth to give a 'shout out' to all the television personalities at Fox News. Their annual crusade against those fighting the War on Christmas really symbolizes everything that I stand for, and I wanted that message to get back to them. Wait. I shouldn't use the word crusade. Let's change that to their annual witch hunt. Yes, that's better."
Christ added that he's sorry he hasn't stepped in to stop all the actual wars that have been committed worldwide, some admittedly in his name, but he felt that humans needed to work that out themselves, and that they'd never learn if he just did...
Add a commentRead more: Jesus Returns to Thank Fox News for Rallying Against 'War on Christmas'
Mars Rover Loses 'America's Got Talent' Final to Dog Rover Whose Bark Sorta Sounds Like 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'
Written by Mary Canculture Sunday, 02 December 2012
In a surprising blowout finale, Mars Rover Curiosity, the NASA
robot that traveled 350 million miles to the planet Mars, descended
through the atmosphere at 3.6 miles per second, landed 1.5 miles
from its exact intended destination and then has proceeded to take
samples, measurements and photographs of an entirely different
planet, lost convincingly to "Rover," a four-year-old Pekingese who
can make a barking noise that somewhat resembles Baha Men's classic
line "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
In the eyes of the American reality TV-watching voter, NASA's Mars Rover Curiosity (left) and its interplanetary space travel couldn't compete with Rover (right), a dog whose bark was somewhat similar to an annoying and overplayed pop-culture phenomenon.
"Although I have respect for what the Mars Rover has done, and it's certainly cool in a 'sciency' kind of way, it just couldn't compete with the God-given talent that Rover displayed for our audience worldwide," said Howie Mandel, a judge initially famous for inflating a plastic glove on his head. "The first time I heard that distinctive bark, perfectly timed to the background music, it was over for me. Rover has what it takes to be a celebrity icon in this country, and some 'whiz-bang' mechanical vacuum cleaner just can't compete with that kind of star power."
NASA scientists were obviously...
Add a commentRepublicans Vow to Limit Obama to 'Two-Term President'
Written by Cam Painagain Sunday, 25 November 2012
Almost immediately after President Barack Obama won re-election,
Republican leaders promised they would do everything in their power
to prevent Obama from winning a third term as president, but that
this time it would work.
Republican leaders fear President Obama will repeal the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, which limits presidents to two terms, and name himself king or dictator for life. Of course, the last amendment to repeal a previous amendment legalized alcohol, so there is precedent for drastic action if politicians do something really stupid, like ban booze or nominate Sarah Palin for president in 2016.
"Sure, I promised after the last election that my main priority was making sure Obama was a 'one-term president,'" said Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. "And no, that didn't exactly work out. But this time, I'm really, really confident we can keep him from being elected for a third term."
Part of that newfound confidence lies in the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which clearly states that U.S. presidents can only serve two terms in office. And since its passage, no president has tried to question the legitimacy of the Constitution they swore to protect under all costs.
However, former vice presidential candidate, part-time governor and reality TV star Sarah Palin quickly jumped into the fray to...
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