Manning Suing NFL for Whiplash, Seeking Punitive Damages

Written by Indiana Jonesing Friday, 09 September 2011

Indianapolis Colts' star quarterback Peyton Manning, a four-time league MVP and Super Bowl winner, announced that he is suing the NFL for "whiplash" and seeking punitive damages worth $200 million dollars for his "pain and suffering" related to the injury, which he claims happened when his team's kicker rear-ended his golf cart with another golf cart during a team practice.Peyton Manning was publicly seen wearing this giant neck brace at team functions, whimpering about how his neck "hurt really freaking bad." However, Manning was photographed the same day enjoying Cuban cigars and partying with a rock band. According to Manning's lawyer, those are just people who happen to look like Peyton Manning or are Photoshop forgeries.Peyton Manning was publicly seen wearing this giant neck brace at team functions, whimpering about how his neck "hurt really freaking bad." However, Manning was photographed the same day enjoying Cuban cigars and partying with a rock band. According to Manning's lawyer, those are just people who happen to look like Peyton Manning or are Photoshop forgeries.

"I was just sitting in my cart--you know, one of those little jobbies that us stars like to tool around in--when our liquored up, idiot kicker came barreling into my rear bumper," stated Manning in an official statement read by his lawyer, Slick Backedhair, an injury lawyer for the Indianapolis firm of Ambulance Chasers Incorporated. "And as soon as I got out to look at the damages and get his driver's license, I noticed that my neck started burning in intense pain. I could barely move my head, and then I started to lose feeling in my right arm--my throwing arm. I'm pretty sure I may have suffered some lower back trauma...

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Dems Cave to Republican's Demands for Continuing Annual Softball Game, Lose 132-0

Written by Sharon Balanced Friday, 05 August 2011

Wanting to keep alive the annual Capitol Hill Softball Classic, Washington Democrats agreed to a long list of demands the Republican team insisted on before they would "play ball." Surprisingly, the new rules seemed to work against the Democrat team, as they were trounced in record-breaking fashion, 132-0.

President Obama agreed to Republicans' new softball rules, which led to a crushing Democrat defeat, only after Republican leaders swore negotiaions would be more fair next time.President Obama agreed to Republicans' new softball rules, which led to a crushing Democrat defeat, only after Republican leaders swore negotiaions would be more fair next time.

"We felt that it was important for all of the politicians to get together for this fun, annual event," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, on the losing Democrat side. "It was more important to us to get on with the game than worry about who won or lost."

"We buried those motherfu$%ers," countered Republican Majority Whip and Team Captain Eric Cantor. "The only thing that matters is the scoreboard, bitches."

The once-whimsical tradition looked like it wasn't going to happen in 2011, as the Republican team swore it would not play an inning unless Democrats changed the rules to meet their demands. The Democrats held strong in opposition, until an hour before the game, at which point they agreed to every single Republican wish.

Among the rules changes accepted by the Democrats:
• Any Democrat who touches a softball with a bat is...

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Republicans Walk Out on Waffle City Breakfast Tab After Tax Included in Bill

Written by Noah Compromise Monday, 18 July 2011

Several key Republican leaders "dined and ditched" at a K Street Waffle City when their waitress, Demma Krazt, presented them with a bill for the meal that included sales tax. Rebelling over a bill that included sales tax, the Republican Breakfast Club included, in simplest terms, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal (not in order, some overlap).Rebelling over a bill that included sales tax, the Republican Breakfast Club included, in simplest terms, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal (not in order, some overlap).

"We signed a pledge with the American people that we would accept no bill that included any taxes on the overly burdened, wealthy job creators of this country," said House Majority Whip Eric Cantor. "All of us at breakfast were, of course, wealthy, so we had to ignore that bill, which quite clearly indicated tax on the bottom, right before where you add 3 percent for gratuity. Plus, I only drank water, so I asked that the bills come separately, and the servant forgot to do that, so we walked."

Waffle City is considering whether to press theft charges against the "Breakfast Club," which also included Speaker of the House John Boehner and presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann. Ms. Kratz is also wondering who will pay her back for the $87 tab she was stuck with under Waffle City regulations.

"Do these people realize that a 'bill' is not something you don't pay when it doesn't suit you?" asked Kratz. "I brought them waffles, pancakes, sausage patties, biscuits--you name it...

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

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