U.S. to Default on Debt, Declare Bankruptcy, Rent for Seven Years
Written by Fantasia Ownusnow Tuesday, 05 July 2011
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![By declaring bankruptcy, the U.S. government can simply walk away from its "underwater" debts. After renting for seven years, the country hopes it can buy back some assets, such as The White House, from the new Chinese owners.](images/stories/0711/white-houseforeclosechin300.jpg)
"Like millions of American homeowners, the United States now owes more money than the country is worth," stated Obama at a ceremony that Republicans again refused to attend. "And like many of those debt-saddled homeowners, the smart move for us at this point is to just walk away."
According to the country's top economists, by declaring international bankruptcy, the United States will default all of its assets to the primary lenders, most of which are foreign countries, private entities and corporations. It's estimated that China will be the majority stakeholder of former U.S. assets such as its highway system, the energy infrastructure and the U.S. military.
"It just makes better sense right now to rent," stated Obama. "Then we won't have to worry about interest rates or amortization. We'll just cut our checks each month to the...
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Tiger, Clinton Congratulate Rory, Invite Him to D.C. Sex Party
Written by Dick Swinger Tuesday, 21 June 2011
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U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal."That was a
legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the
youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are
one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So
now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys,
and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever
see."
Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq...
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Republicans Back New Energy Source: Clean Nitroglycerin
Written by T. Entee Thursday, 02 June 2011
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Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean.""We experienced
some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil
Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the
drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear
reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new
supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow
Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never,
ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that
didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy
source is Clean Nitroglycerin."
Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any...
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