Written by Fantasia Ownusnow Tuesday, 05 July 2011Because Congressional Republicans and Democrats couldn't work out a deal to raise the country's $14.3 trillion legal debt limit by early August, President Barack Obama announced that the country will simply forfeit on its debt and declare national bankruptcy.
"Like millions of American homeowners, the United States now owes more money than the country is worth," stated Obama at a ceremony that Republicans again refused to attend. "And like many of those debt-saddled homeowners, the smart move for us at this point is to just walk away."
According to the country's top economists, by declaring international bankruptcy, the United States will default all of its assets to the primary lenders, most of which are foreign countries, private entities and corporations. It's estimated that China will be the majority stakeholder of former U.S. assets such as its highway system, the energy infrastructure and the U.S. military.
"It just makes better sense right now to rent," stated Obama. "Then we won't have to worry about interest rates or amortization. We'll just cut our checks each month to the...Add a comment
Written by Dick Swinger Tuesday, 21 June 2011Minutes after trouncing the field at the 111th U.S. Open golf championship at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., 22-year-old Rory McElroy received congratulatory phone calls from his idol, Tiger Woods, and former U.S. President Bill Clinton. Both Woods and Clinton praised McElroy for his record-breaking and thoroughly dominating performance before inviting him to a "hot-ass sex party" being held at a secret location in nearby Washington, D.C.
"That was a legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys, and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever see."
Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq...Add a comment
Written by T. Entee Thursday, 02 June 2011In response to recent setbacks in the perceived safety of previously supported coal, oil, shale gas and nuclear fuels, Republicans and their various arms and support groups, including Fox News, are pushing for a new fuel to become the face of Republican energy policy: Clean Nitroglycerin.
"We experienced some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never, ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy source is Clean Nitroglycerin."
Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any...Add a comment
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