Tiger, Clinton Congratulate Rory, Invite Him to D.C. Sex Party

Written by Dick Swinger Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Minutes after trouncing the field at the 111th U.S. Open golf championship at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda, Md., 22-year-old Rory McElroy received congratulatory phone calls from his idol, Tiger Woods, and former U.S. President Bill Clinton. Both Woods and Clinton praised McElroy for his record-breaking and thoroughly dominating performance before inviting him to a "hot-ass sex party" being held at a secret location in nearby Washington, D.C.

U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal.U.S. Open Champion Rory McElroy was invited by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods to a celebrity studded and ball-gagged crazy-ass sex orgy. But PGA Tour executives squashed that dream and had him restrained in his hotel room to avoid further scandal."That was a legendary, otherworldly performance," Clinton reportedly told the youngster from Northern Ireland. "You've clearly shown that you are one of the best golfers in history, just like my main man Tiger. So now let's see if you can swing your other club with the big boys, and get down her for the hottest damn sexhibition match you'll ever see."

Both Clinton and Woods offered to send a limousine that would take McElroy, who just set a U.S. Open record by finishing the tournament at 16 under par, to the ultra-high-rollers-only sex party where he would rub elbows, and likely penises, with such world-conquerors as Michael Jordan, Shaq...

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Republicans Back New Energy Source: Clean Nitroglycerin

Written by T. Entee Thursday, 02 June 2011

In response to recent setbacks in the perceived safety of previously supported coal, oil, shale gas and nuclear fuels, Republicans and their various arms and support groups, including Fox News, are pushing for a new fuel to become the face of Republican energy policy: Clean Nitroglycerin.

Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean."Hanz Shakin, president of Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promises that this new energy source will have all of the power but none of the ridiculously unstable explosive properties of regular nitroglycerin, because it's "Clean.""We experienced some truly unlucky, one-in-a-million-year events in the Gulf Oil Spill, the various mining disasters all over the world, the drinking water contaminated by fracking, and the Japanese nuclear reactor leaks," said Speaker of the House John Boehner, a vocal new supporter of Clean Nitroglycerin. "And although my fellow Republicans and I are certain that events like this will never, ever happen again, we needed to find a new source of energy that didn't have the same negative stigma with the public. That energy source is Clean Nitroglycerin."

Boehner admitted that Clean Nitroglycerin was a relatively new energy option, but that it's recently formed lobbying group, Bring Clean Nitroglycerin Up (BCNU), promised those who received its large cash payments that the industry has yet to experience any...

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Blackmail Checks Up 30% After Schwarzenegger Baby-Mamma Announcement

Written by Conan A. Predator Monday, 23 May 2011

Citing its effectiveness in the career of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who spent 10 years shelling out money to keep his affair and love child a secret, blackmailers across the United States have seen their payoffs spike by an average of 30 percent. The amount of people entering the blackmail industry has seen similar increases.Arnold Schwarzenegger's ability to ride blackmail to the governor's mansion has caused a spike in blackmail efforts and profits.Arnold Schwarzenegger's ability to ride blackmail to the governor's mansion has caused a spike in blackmail efforts and profits.

"Blackmail works," said Sheila Payola, president of the National Association of Blackmailers (NAB). "Without blackmail payments, Arnold never would've been governor of the most populous state in the country. No fancy dinners with world leaders. No cutesy commercials on skis. And I can't provide specifics, but it may or may not be true that even his acting career wouldn't have gotten past Terminator without effective blackmail payments. Plus he avoided 10 years' worth of alimony and child-support payments--well, the public kind."

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

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