Gaddafi Warrant Tossed, Again, Due to Name-Spelling Error
Written by Sue Pream-Leader Monday, 02 May 2011
An international arrest warrant for Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, citing genocide and crimes against humanity among 127 other charges, was declared invalid by the top court in Libya. This marks the 37th such warrant to be dismissed, all citing spelling discrepancies in the name of the charged individual.
A Libyan believed to be the country's dictator ignored the latest arrest warrant, finding it suitable only for his "glorious feces and phlegm."
The country's top judicial official, listed as Mu'ammar Qaddafi, noted, as he has for each previous warrant, that he didn't know who Muammar Gaddafi is, and there was no such leader of Libya by that name. Previous voided warrants were issued for: Moammar Gadhafi, Muammar Qaddafi, Mu'ammar Al-Qadhafi, Muammar Khaddafi, Muammar Al Gathafi and dozens of additional variations.
"You know," said the aging and insane-looking Judge Qaddafi, "I think I do know a Muammar Gaddafi, but he lives in Benghazi, not Tripoli. Funny old...
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Kansas College Republicans Celebrate Kansas Loss, Screwing of Obama's Bracket
Written by Rand Aynderson Monday, 02 May 2011
When the
final buzzer sounded, the atmosphere at the Kansas University
College Republican headquarters was beyond exuberant. Dozens of
sensibly dressed college students ran around in a delirious craze,
screaming with excitement and giving each other high-fives and
awkward, poorly timed jumping hugs.
Getting ready to watch the No. 1-seeded Kansas basketball team, Kansas College Republicans hoped that Obama would falter by choosing their school to win the national championship. Their prayers were answered.
"This is the best day of my life!" screamed Andrew Timmerman, a sophomore financing major at the school. "I can't believe it came down to Kansas, and we did it!!! We freaking did it!!! Yeahhh!!!!"
Popcorn flew in the air, and a ponytailed blonde named Cheryl Swain, a junior pre-law major, shook a can of Diet Sprite really, really hard and opened it, gleefully spraying her fellow republicans with sugar-free "lymon."
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Toyota President Commits Harry Caray, Having Trouble with Accent
Written by Speedy Prius Tuesday, 06 April 2010
In response to Toyota's humiliating and costly design errors that led to a massive recall of its vehicles, Toyota President Akio Toyoda chose to save face in the traditional Japanese manner and commit Harry Caray.
The embattled CEO, who only took charge of the automotive giant in June 2009, quickly donned a pair of oversized, overmagnified dark-rimmed glasses and belted out a particularly horrible version of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
Immediately after committing Harry Caray, Toyota President Akio Toyoda screamed "Hory Cow! Cubs Win!"
"Buy me some peanut and a crak-a-jack," he sort-of sang between taking fake swigs from a jumbo-sized empty canteen. "I do no care if I neva get back!"
Toyoda was repeatedly questioned on how acting like the deceased and revered sports broadcaster would help the automaker restore it's tarnished image, Toyoda repeatedly replied with a slurred, "Cubs Win! Cubs Win! I'm-a Harry Caray! Cubs Win!"
When informed that the actual ritual for saving face in Japan is hari kari, which entails disemboweling oneself quietly before someone chops your head off with a Samurai sword, Toyoda said, "Seriousry? That freakin' nuts!"
"Why would I do dat?" he asked. "I have rich monies and powah, and this bro over soon. Akio be back to snorting cocaine off-a hooker hooters in Macau in no time. Dishembowah? Good one!
"Or as Harry Caray say, 'Get outta here!'" he added in what is truly a terrible impersonation.
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- Unknown Hockey Mom Chosen to Run Concession Stand
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