Blackmail Checks Up 30% After Schwarzenegger Baby-Mamma Announcement

•Written by Conan A. Predator• ••Monday•, 23 •May• 2011•

Citing its effectiveness in the career of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who spent 10 years shelling out money to keep his affair and love child a secret, blackmailers across the United States have seen their payoffs spike by an average of 30 percent. The amount of people entering the blackmail industry has seen similar increases.Arnold Schwarzenegger's ability to ride blackmail to the governor's mansion has caused a spike in blackmail efforts and profits.Arnold Schwarzenegger's ability to ride blackmail to the governor's mansion has caused a spike in blackmail efforts and profits.

"Blackmail works," said Sheila Payola, president of the National Association of Blackmailers (NAB). "Without blackmail payments, Arnold never would've been governor of the most populous state in the country. No fancy dinners with world leaders. No cutesy commercials on skis. And I can't provide specifics, but it may or may not be true that even his acting career wouldn't have gotten past Terminator without effective blackmail payments. Plus he avoided 10 years' worth of alimony and child-support payments--well, the public kind."

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Osama Punk'd! SEALs Posed as Crew for MTV Cribs: Pakistan

•Written by Nomar Geronimo• ••Monday•, 09 •May• 2011•

Previously unknown details released by the Pentagon shed further light on the assassination of Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. Contrary to earlier reports indicating a Rambo-style military incursion, it appears that guile, ego-stroking and Ashton Kutcher led to the successful mission.During the fake episode filmed by Navy SEALs, Osama bin Laden showed off his indoor sauna, one of only two in the entire country of Pakistan. "Most of the country [i]is[/i] a sauna," noted the future fish food, "but in mine you're not surrounded by those smelly, poor people. Am I right? Fist bump!"During the fake episode filmed by Navy SEALs, Osama bin Laden showed off his indoor sauna, one of only two in the entire country of Pakistan. "Most of the country is a sauna," noted the future fish food, "but in mine you're not surrounded by those smelly, poor people. Am I right? Fist bump!"

Apparently, members of the ultra-special-forces Navy SEAL Team 69 disguised themselves as producers and members of a film crew for the popular local television show, MTV Cribs: Pakistan. Carrying several cameras, lights, cables and microphones to look like a TV crew, Team 69 members knocked on the door of bin Laden's mansion and told him he was chosen to be featured on the program.

"Get the fu&k out!" Bin Laden apparently said with a huge smile...

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Fox Report: Japanese Tsunami Created by Enviroterrorist-Trained Whale Splash

•Written by Cy Entzsux• ••Monday•, 02 •May• 2011•

An investigative reporter with Fox News, Sarah Palin, concluded that the tsunami which devastated Japan was not triggered by a massive 9.0 magnitude earthquake, as previously suggested by scientists. Instead, the tsunami was created by the simultaneous breaching of 20,000 whales, creating what Palin called a "gimungous Cannonball effect."

According to a report on Fox News, the tsunami off the coast of Japan was caused by the simultaneous breaching of 20,000 whales trained by Whale Wars "tree huggers."According to a report on Fox News, the tsunami off the coast of Japan was caused by the simultaneous breaching of 20,000 whales trained by Whale Wars "tree huggers."

According to the report, the whales had been secretly trained for years by the Whale Wars environmentalist group famous for antagonizing Japanese whaling fleets with their tiny boats and patchouli scent. The reporter also concluded that several other environmental groups and mostly likely U.S. President Barack Obama were in on the plot.

"It makes perfect sense," reported Palin. "In one move, the environmental terrorists cripple what was a perfectly safe nuclear energy industry, making it look all dangerous and stuff, and exact revenge on the job-providing, economy-boosting business of whale extraction.

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Local Satire???

Let's face it: Where you live is pretty ridiculous. Your local politicians are buffoons. Your local celebrities take themselves way too seriously. The general population, including yourself, is either completely crazy or almost there.

This is equally true whether you live in Hollywood, Miami or Sheboygan. It's just a matter of scale. But what can you do about it?

Satire. If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em, and you just might beat 'em that way ...

In its many forms, satire has proven to be a great equalizer. Jon Stewart is one of the most influential people in America. If not for Tina Fey, Sarah Palin might be Vice President of the United States. When people realize that something is ridiculous, it loses its power.

This is where The Pirate comes in. There are many great outlets that satirize the "big issues" (and we do that, too). But we've also perfected the art of Local Satire. As you can see from our successful model in Steamboat Springs, Colorado, no town is too small to be skewered.

You don't know those people or what their issues are, but the people in Steamboat do, and they think it's hilarious. And you can do the same in your area, whether a city, town, school, company or whatever. That's Local Satire, and you'll be surprised at how effective it can be.

Then you can sell your own local advertising and make a little money on the side.

So if you want to start your own Local Pirate Web page and newsletter, click HERE and start your voyage.

It's FREE, and templates are set up so all you have to do is write funny articles (but if you need help creating witty graphics, we can do that, too, for a small fee).

Each of your Local subscribers will also receive a FREE Global Pirate newsletter along with your own. We take care of the newsletters, too, and you can send it as often (or not) as you'd like.

And if you'd just like to contribute an article or two for our "global" page, just send in what you think is funny. If we like it, we'll publish it under your name and location. Unlike other satire publications, we want to hear from you.

So, are you a Pirate?

Enter Amount:

Subscribe to The Pirate RSS Feed

Click the image below and get tickets for The End of the Boat as We Know It

Subscribe to The Pirate

You can have new content from The Pirate e-mailed to you as a newsletter as soon as it's available. No need to waste time browsing the Internet!

The Pirate will find you!

If you only want the "main" Pirate, select Global Pirate below.



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      AND catid = 54
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1
  36. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  37. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '11'
  38. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  39. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '9'
  40. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  41. SELECT width,height
      FROM eeu_flashrotators
      WHERE id = '3'
  42. SELECT *
      FROM eeu_banner
      WHERE showBanner = 1
      AND (imptotal = 0 OR impmade < imptotal)
      AND cid = 2
      AND catid = 44
      ORDER BY sticky DESC, ordering
      LIMIT 0, 1

•0 legacy queries logged•

    •Language Files Loaded•

    •Untranslated Strings Diagnostic•

    GLOBAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE	JHTML::tooltip()	[:]
    

    •Untranslated Strings Designer•

    
    # ??Unknown file??
    
    GLOBAL PIRATE=Global Pirate
    STEAMBOAT SPRINGS LOCAL PIRATE=Steamboat Springs Local Pirate