Romney Promises to No Longer Remove Hair/Dignity of those Not as Awesome as Himself
Written by Harry Eye Thursday, 17 May 2012
Hoping to let voters know that he's no longer the same person he
was when he was 18 years old and held a fellow prepschooler down on
the ground while he cut his "girly" hair, presumptive GOP candidate
for president Mitt Romney swore that he would never again forcibly
trim another human being's hair and/or completely strip him of his
dignity and self-worth.
In a sign of solidarity with the boy Mitt Romney allegedly pinned down and cut his hair, the presumptive presidential candidate has matched the youth's "offending hairstyle," dying it blond and letting it hang down over one eye. "Do I really have to do this?" Romney was heard asking an adviser. "I feel like a total fag."
"This is a really big announcement," said CNN newscaster Wolfing Blitzen. "No other presidential candidate in history has officially declared that he would never, ever again intimidate and physically assault one of his inferiors. Truly a groundbreaking moment for Mitt Romney and the Republican Party. Barack Obama is going to have to really think long and hard to see if he can match such a commitment."
But before Blitzen could finish his statement, Libby Mouthpiece, an Obama spokesperson, confirmed that Obama could make the same statement.
"Ummm ... if you're wondering if Obama can commit to not pinning someone down and defacing him, while...
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American Girl Now Selling Real Girls to Match their Dolls
Written by Barbie Woodcry Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Building off the astonishingly successful selling of matching outfits for American Girl dolls and the young girls who own them, the seller of equally astonishingly high-priced dolls has announced a new product: girls who match successful doll models.
"It's just a natural e
For only $200,000, tasteful and refined would-be parents can adopt a real girl to match their American Girl dolls. The children come with matching outfits, pre-programmed manors, an adorable accent of parents' choice and a permanent desire to have whatever they want at all times, regardless of cost or need.xtension of our product line," says Marie Grace, senior
marketing executive for the new Real Girl line of real girls.
"Parents who can afford our dolls absolutely adored seeing their
children in matching outfits with their playthings. It was unfair
to exclude that kind of parent-imposed joy from those who don't
have real children of their own. So if you're an upper-middle-class
control freak, and want a child to match one of our dolls, we can
supply that product to you."
The initial product launch is expected to include best-selling dolls such as McKenna in her tennis outfit, Ruthie in the always-adorable pink-and-black plaid outfit (with matching tea set), Julie in the popular non-edgy skateboarding outfit and Emily in a purple-flower sun dress. The dolls in this line...
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Following Basketball Playbook, Kentucky to become Two-Year College
Written by Kat Wilde Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Inspired by the school's successful men's basketball program,
which recently won the NCAA National Championship, the University
of Kentucky announced that starting next year it will become a
solely two-year college and will no longer offer four-year degrees
of anything.
Building off its successful basketball blueprint, the University of Kentucky announced that it will only offer students a chance to attend the school for a maximum of two years, thus taking the pressure off of any basketball player suffering from the not-likely-to-make-the-NBA label of "senior." One of the most popular new non-NBA Finishing School Degree is "Big Styrofoam Hand Waving," considered a potentially booming industry in the new economy.
"What we learned from our basketball team is that two years is more than enough to prepare someone to make millions of dollars in the 'real world,'" said University Dean Dean University. "Heck, our most successful former students only needed one year at Kentucky to learn the tools of their trade and make a lot of money in the NBA. So any other student should easily be able to get what they need from Kentucky in two years or less."
Ditching what the university considers "antiquated labels," the common references of freshman, sophomore, junior and senior will be replaced by first-year students being called...
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