Scientists Discover God Particle Man, Who then Fights with Triangle Man
Written by Universe Man Monday, 19 December 2011
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Physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research
(CERN, yes the acronym makes no sense to Americans--it's a European
thing) announced to a standing-room-only crowd of They Might Be
Giants fans that they have discovered the band's elusive "God
Particle Man" in a series of near-light-speed collisions at the
Large Hadron Collider, a 27-kilometer ring-shaped tunnel straddling
the French-Swiss border.For the incredibly tiny portion of people interested in both physics and 1990s indie band They Might Be Giants, the discovery of God Particle Man vindicated the billions of dollars spent to build the Large Hadron Collider.
"We were looking for the Higg's boson, the missing link in the so-called Standard Model of physics first put forth by Albert Einstein," noted Guido Tonedefelli, leader of the experiment. "But what we found was so much better if you're a fan of 1990s goofy indie rock. Having studied at The University at Geneva at that time, and danced my cannolis off to Birdhouse In Your Soul many times, it's absolutely thrilling to have confirmed what the Two John's sang about so happily back then."
The discovery has forced the physicists to contemplate other questions first posed by They Might Be Giants in their...
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Obama Campaigning on 'Change I Can Actually Accomplish,' Promises New Facial Hair
Written by Martin Van Buren Thursday, 01 December 2011
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Gearing up for his re-election campaign, President Barack Obama
announced he would again be running on a campaign for "change in
the White House." However, unable to enact much actual change in
the halls of Congress, we said he was going to shift his goals to
things he could actually accomplish, such as changing his physical
appearance.President Obama announced that his re-election campaign would focus on change that wasn't as difficult as he promised last election, vowing to alter such things as his personal grooming and wardrobe. One item he promised to change, if re-elected, was his facial hair, noting that he could grow a "cool-ass goatee."
"America, and I, didn't realize just how hard it would be to change the politics in this great nation," stated Obama. "I tried my ass off--I really did. But we lost that one Senate seat in Massachusetts, and then we lost the House, and I couldn't get crap changed after that. It seems you need a 'super majority' to get anything really done, and I don't know if that will ever be possible. And Republicans are hell-bent on vetoing anything I do now, so I'm going to focus my next four years on things I can definitely change.
"For starters, if re-elected, I'm going to change my facial hair," added Obama. "I'm not great at growing a beard, and I don't want to look like Rutherford Hayes or...
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ABC Introduces New Spinoff: Synchronized Diving with the Stars
Written by Hugh Mongus Splash Friday, 04 November 2011
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To capitalize on the continued success of Dancing with the Stars, ABC unveiled the newest member of the franchise, Synchronized Diving with the Stars. The new show pairs celebrities with an Olympic synchronized diver, who has one week to teach the sort-of-famous person that week's diving routine.The inaugural season of Synchronized Diving with the Stars will feature reality TV darling Kirstie Alley, who attempts to land a triple-twisting pike with her Chinese diving partner, Shi Ska Ri.
"If there's one thing we know at ABC," said Aaron B. Cartwright, an executive programmer for ABC, "is that America loves watching shows that show D-list celebrities doing things they're too lazy to do themselves. And if you throw in some flamboyant and obnoxious judges, you've got yourself a goldmine. And that's just what we have with Synchronized Diving with the Stars!"
Cartwright noted that the first season will include such vaguely familiar faces as Keenen Ivory Wayans, the fat guy from Lost, Kirstie Alley and a yet-to-be-named football player who will win. The ensemble cast of ridiculous-sounding judges will include the Chocolate Rain YouTube-sensation guy, someone gay and Smurfette, the first animated judge in reality-television history.
"It's guaranteed to be a smash hit," added Cartwright. "Just wait until you see these stars doing backflips from the 30-meter board. You'll be so glad you never leave your couch! And Smurfette judging! Come on! How Smurferiffic is that?"
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