Steamboat Springs

Steamboat's New Outdoor Theater Named No. 1 Sub-Zero Music Venue in North America

Written by Cool Hand Luke Monday, 09 January 2012

In Cold Skier Magazine's latest "Rankings" issue, Steamboat Ski Resort's new outdoor stage received a top listing, edging out Fargo, North Dakota's outdoor skating rink/bowling alley/rock hall to be voted the No. 1 Sub-Zero Music Venue in North America.Steamboat officials celebrated the area's new outdoor stage being named North America's premiere sub-zero performance location. Fortunately, the champagne was properly chilled just by setting it onstage for a few minutes.

"The new Steamboat stage brings the perfect combination of stage size, music quality and finger-numbing cold," writes Cold Skier Magazine's entertainment editor, Hanz R. Blue. "We found no other venue that could match it. And some matches would've been nice, as I froze my keister off listening to some mediocre Texas Red Dirt band slightly rocking it onstage in winter parkas and fingerless gloves."

The venue also was praised for attracting a standing-room only crowd, although some points were deducted because the only way to attend the concerts and not have to pay outrageous beer prices from nearby restaurants is by standing.

"With everyone standing, it makes it easier to huddle together and develop some much-needed body heat from fellow concert-goers," added Blue. "There's nothing that says...

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ASSHAT Sting Nabs Guy Who Knows a Guy Who Probably Has Some Pot to Sell

Written by Major Lee Overzealous Monday, 12 December 2011

An undercover "sting" operation set up by the All Steamboat Springs Hillbilly Attitude Taskforce (ASSHAT), a loosely united and even more loosely led band of law-enforcement personnel hoping to remove any non-pharmaceutical drugs from Routt County, apprehended a 23-year-old male on Tuesday. The suspect, whose name is being released as Mark Burner even though it legally probably shouldn't be, is charged with knowing a guy who likely has some marijuana he would probably sell.A friend of Mark Burner (right), who was arrested by this undercover ASSHAT for knowing a guy who may have some weed somewhere, took this photo of the ASSHAT "sting" operation.

During an emergency preliminary hearing requested by ASSHAT in the middle of the night in order to have Mr. Burner locked up and "removed from the streets before he lawyers up, goes free and then kills innocent children," the defendant pleaded not guilty in front of a visibly upset-to-be-woken Judge Mike O'Hunt. Burner stated that he committed no crime, the sting was so poorly executed that it was beyond ridiculous, and he was just messing with the badly disguised officer.

To refute Burner's testimony, Sheriff and Lead ASSHAT Starrett Bigguns released an audio transcription from the recorded sting operation, which he said provided iron-clad proof of Burner's guilt.

TRANSCRIPTION...

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Hunter Shoots Guide, Cites Confusion over Wabbit Season/Kywotee Season

Written by Kildee Human Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Elmer Fudd, a first-time hunter from Delaware and copyrighted character from Warner Bros., accidentally shot his hunting guide, Wile E. Coyote, a cartoon coyote hailing from Meeker and also a copyrighted Warner Bros. character. Apparently, Fudd was fumbling with his rifle, not sure if he was supposed to shoot a "wascally wabbit" who was telling him it was "kywotee season," or his newly acquired guide, who alternately insisted that it was "wabbit season."A confused and possibly blind Elmer Fudd from Delaware, with rifle, prepares to blast his hunting guide, Wile E. Coyote, from Meeker, after a third party, whom Fudd described as a "wascally wabbit," conned the hunter into believing it was "kywotee season."

"I've never bween hunting befwore," admitted Fudd. "And there was so much commotion with those two cwazy cwarachters welling at each other. I think the wabbit twicked the kywotee and got him to well 'kywotee season!' And ... well ... I shot my gwuide. I'm sworry."

Routt County Underwear Sheriff Gray Perch was unsure if the Sheriff's Office would file charges of careless hunting against Mr. Fudd, although it was clear that not all safety measures were taken by the hunting party.

"At first, we were quite alarmed at how a hunter could mistake his guide for a coyote," added Perch. "You know, there's...

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Steamboat Springs

Steamboat's New Outdoor Theater Named No. 1 Sub-Zero Music Venue in North America

ASSHAT Sting Nabs Guy Who Knows a Guy Who Probably Has Some Pot to Sell

Hunter Shoots Guide, Cites Confusion over Wabbit Season/Kywotee Season

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