Steamboat Springs
Steamboat Doughnut Shop, Locals' Butts, Rapidly Expanding
Written by Sal U. Loce Friday, 21 October 2011
After opening an overly successful doughnut shop in downtown Steamboat Springs, owners of Milky Fun Doughnut Café have announced they are expanding and opening up 13 new shops throughout town and the surrounding valley. In possibly related news, Steamboat nutritionists released a study indicating that locals' hind quarters have increased their fat capacity by 24 percent.
"We can't believe the success we've been blessed with," said Sugar Snax, owner of Milky Fun. "We thought there was a missed market here in Steamboat, but with all the health-food nuts, we thought there might be some resistance to fat-fried dough injected with chocolate and soaked in powdery confection. We couldn't have been happier to be wrong! It turns out there are plenty of people in Steamboat who couldn't care less about their fat intake. How great is that?"
New doughnut shop locations include two in the Steamboat Grand Debt Star, two more in Gondola Square, four more downtown, one to open up in Milner (conveniently located next to Mahalo's Medical Marijuana Dispensary) and several in the more exercise-challenged towns of Oak Creek and Phippsburg.
"Our new 'doughnut hole' is going to be a godsend...
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City Council Passes Proposal to Add Mild Poison to Plastic Grocery Bags
Written by Chuck Upp Wednesday, 14 September 2011
At last night's meeting, Steamboat Springs City Council listened to a presentation from Lace R. Synic, a spokesperson for Yampa Valley Really Better Recycle or Else, who detailed the organization's latest proposal to curb the use of disposable plastic bags.
"Although other Colorado mountain communities are doing some great things with plastic bag fees and bans, including the destitute, struggling towns of Aspen and Telluride, we felt that wasn't doing enough to control the insidious use of plastic bags, which are inefficient to create, cause environmental catastrophes such as flooding and tsunamis, and are known to give small children a really nasty case of hives," said Synic. "The next logical step is to coat the plastic bags with poison--a mild poison, I must add--nothing remotely fatal. Just something that will cause a debilitating case of diarrhea or a few hours of vomiting. A few instances of that, and we believe most people will remember to bring their reusable bags to the store."
Both of the council's resident skis, President Scari Helmetheadski and Kart Beforehorsesky, questioned the merit of the proposal, wondering if perhaps intentionally...
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Barney Family Love Festival Comes to Town, Locals Pissed at Inconveniences
Written by Dena Sower Monday, 29 August 2011
The inaugural Barney Family Love Festival arrived in Steamboat Springs this weekend, bringing with it a unique following of children, parents, love for all mankind and simpleton purple dinosaurs. It was estimated that at least five thousand people showed up for the event, culminating in the "I Love You Dash" along downtown Lincoln Avenue.
Organizers were particularly pleased with the general positive outpouring of the Steamboat community, which showed up in force for the family oriented fiesta that encourages parents to spend more time with their children; engage in healthy lifestyle choices such as proper diet and exercise; and work on loving everyone equally, regardless of their race, economics or political backgrounds.
"It really comes down to the Barney theme song," said Chee Z. Smiles, chief organizer of the event. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me, too?"
"I think this whole festival can go f--- itself," noted longtime Steamboat local Harden Heart. "Have you tried parking anywhere? I've been driving around in circles for like 10 minutes, just waiting for one...
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More Articles...
- Boozin Wins Inaugural SUV River Rodeo
- Steamboat Changes Trademark to '(Fill in the Blank) Town, U.S.A.'
- Mega Lighted Man Terrorizes Fourth of July Parade
- Flooded Homeowner Suing Ski Resort for Making Snow
- CDOT Addressing Rockslide Area, Covering It with Serene-Looking Mural
- City Council Votes to Ban Pizza Dispensaries
- Dog Squad Shoots Man in Night-Time Helicopter Raid
- City Council Approves WalSheens; Pharmacy/Porn Emporium to Open on Lincoln
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